I Know What You’re Thinking

People rely more on assumption than clarification even though it is incredibly unreliable. Unreliable because assumption requires mind reading, it is guessing. There is no information gathering in assumption. Assumption is the false belief that communication has taken place without any proof.

For example, if you see your friend carrying an umbrella on a sunny day, you might assume that they’re expecting it to rain later, even though they haven’t told you so. Or, if you see someone wearing a chef’s hat, you might assume they’re a cook, even if you haven’t seen them cook anything.

Assumptions can be helpful in making quick decisions or judgments, but they can also lead to misunderstandings if we’re not careful. It’s always good to check our assumptions and make sure we have the full picture before we act on them.

Where assumption becomes particularly problematic is when people assume that they know what the other person meant, how the other person feels, and worst of all, they believe they know what the other person is thinking.

Assuming you know what is going on in someone’s internal life is the most absurd assumption. There are social skills classes that talk about perspective taking and the importance of knowing what another person might be thinking. That’s nonsense—learn to diplomatically ask what another person is thinking. Don’t read a person’s mind; ask him a question and clarify. Assumption causes communication problems and never solves them.

Have you ever assumed things while communicating, and if so, what were the results of having done so? Has it ever gone well? Sure, you might get it right on occasion. You might be working with somebody that you know very well, who is very predictable and relatively easy to read. Being able to read some people so well lulls you into a false sense of security.

Now think about the other person who assumes you understood him and, when there’s a misunderstanding, blames you as though understanding was solely your responsibility. The problem was in the assumption and the fact that the clarification did not take place. Wouldn’t it make more sense to clarify and make sure you understood him or for him to make sure he was understood by you? Ask the questions, get the clarification, and you will not have to worry about it.

The Problem with Nonverbal

I’ve repeatedly read a statistic that states nonverbal communication accounts for well over eighty-five percent of communication. If that is correct, we are all in big trouble, and the reason why that is, is because that means we are not talking to each other. We instead rely on hints, innuendos and suggestions so we don’t have to talk to each other. I don’t believe that over eighty-five percent of communication must be nonverbal,

I believe it’s our bodies communicating what we’re afraid to talk about or don’t know how to talk about. It isn’t that we can’t make a greater percentage of our communication verbal; it’s that we don’t. Why do we do this?

Again, how reliable is nonverbal communication in the first place? We all need to learn and remember that nonverbal communication is unreliable. It does not tell you what a person is thinking. It may give you some hints as to what a person is feeling but it does not tell you for certain.

With my ND brain, nonverbal communication looks like a little dance people do in addition to their words that don’t mean very much. So if there’s more I need to know, I’d better ask,

“Is there more I need to know that you haven’t told me?”

That invites the person to tell me if he wants me to know it. Though I could easily assume he’s told me everything, walk away, have a misunderstanding, and blame him for not being clear enough in the first place.