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How many people are on your friends list because it makes you feel better about yourself by being connected to them?

I unfriended a lot of high school friends I was connected to for all the wrong reasons.

They were people I knew but wasn’t friends with. People I envied because they had friends, appeared happy and successful.

Everything I wished I had during those four years we roamed the same halls.

When they surprisingly wanted to connect on FB, that unresolved need perked up and said, “They finally accept me. I’m more important now (even a little) because this important person sees me.”

Now I understand the truth. I never needed their approval to be good enough, I always was but couldn’t see it.

Turns out, we really didn’t communicate after connecting anyway. The connection served as little more than window dressing for my ego. I don’t need that kind of crap percolating in my brain.

So off they go, along with the need for the approval of people from my past. I don’t need their permission, neither do you.

Apply to become part of my Inner Circle https://buff.ly/2yNLA0T

It’s amazing how much has changed in my life since the beginning of the global retreat from life as we knew it.

Relationships haven ended, many have been challenged and new ones have began.

I feel like I’ve been unplugged from the Matrix of my own fears. Partially, the journey is ongoing.

I’m not even thinking in terms of how much change has occurred. It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that I stay present and pay attention to life in this moment.

Sometimes it wants me to go tenaciously after my goals. Other times it wants me to stop chasing and spend more time being.

I’m struggling with the latter but I’ll find my way.

We’ve been acculturated to place our worth on the altar of productivity. So much that many lose a sense of who they are if they aren’t “delivering” in some way.

The need to measure up by showing how much you can do is a habit that dies hard.

You owe it to yourself to break free of that web before it consumes you.

You know those moments when someone does or says something you feel hurt by. They apologize and you say, “It’s okay.”

You try to let it go because you’re, “supposed to.” What you end up doing is beating yourself up over being upset instead of dealing with your emotions.

Your life is filled with these moments where a small wound is minimized and compartmentalized but it doesn’t disappear.

It reminds me of a story about a teacher who presented a glass of water to his class and asked them to guess how much it weighed.

He invited a student to pick up the glass and guess its weight. He asked the student to keep holding the glass as he kept speaking to the class. Cautioning the student not to spill a drop.

The student holding the glass began to feel his hand cramp and his arm grow tired and finally said, “This glass is starting to get heavy. Can you just tell us how much it weighs.”

To which the teacher replied, “It depends on how long you hold it.”

These little hurts add up. When you work so hard not to spill even a drop, not shedding a single tear, the weight builds.

Look at the word depressed. It has “press” in the middle. It refers to the pressure, the weight you continue to carry.

Let’s work on helping you put that weight down. You weren’t meant to live in pain, you’re meant to live with purpose.

No one can shame you but you!

The trend labeling any kind of criticism as shaming is horseshit and the product of a victim mentality.

Of course as children we don’t know this. We take everything personally and often conclude that we’re bad in response to harsh criticism.

The problem lies not in triggering the shame it lies in not healing it.

If someone calls me fat they aren’t fat shaming me. I know I’m fat and I own why.

If I use that criticism to fuel a self loathing inner rant toward myself that’s on me.

Can it be hard work to heal your shame, absolutely. What can make it simpler though is realizing you put it there. You as opposed to the villain you saw (at the time) as more powerful than you in every way.

Doesn’t matter if you were 5 years old when you did it.

Being afraid to face this pain and work through it feeds a host of addictions or other self defeating behaviors that start with a desire to distract yourself from it.

I’m not stupid enough to suggest being the victim of a violent crime doesn’t warrant the intense reaction and subsequent struggle to regain a sense of safety in the world.

Please know that it need not be a life sentence and there are ways to help you heal to whatever degree you’re able.

The process comes down to changing what the shaming event meant to you.

This requires you to revisit, reflect, revise, reconcile and recover.

1. Revisit your memory of the hurtful event. It may even help to gain the perspective of others who were there to see if they have helpful insight you haven’t considered.
2. Reflect upon the decisions you made about what this event meant to you.

The meaning you create keeps feelings of hurt in play because believing you’re bad isn’t exactly temporary.

It also isn’t enough to change your thinking, your body is holding onto the pain as well and crying is one way pain exits the body.

3. Revise the decisions you made then with ones that acknowledge why you decided what you did at the time. Give yourself permission to change your mind about what it all meant.

Choose a new empowered meaning/memory that creates a feeling of the weight of the old meaning being lifted off you.

4. Reconcile the new memory of the past with where you are now. Has the feeling you have about yourself now improved. Yes, good.
5. Recovery of lost dignity increases your confidence, perseverance and resilience.

More than worth it if you ask me.

When you join my inner circle I’ll walk you through this step by step until the healing is done.