You have more ideas than you know what to do with?

You have more ideas than you know what to do with?
One of the more difficult aspects of the ADHD experience, is the seemingly endless barrage of interesting questions and stellar ideas that flood your brain each day, right?
You want to remember them all, or write them all down. But that being a chore in itself, you end up being frustrated with yourself.
Especially, since you end up with a bunch of ideas you rarely act on.
First thing to consider. When you stand before the ocean, you don’t need to swim in the entire thing, experiencing every drop, to say you swam in the ocean. The part you swim in earns you that distinction.
And the ocean you swim in today has the same water it had yesterday, albeit moved around, as the water keeps flowing. Your creative mind is the same way.
Though you have different ideas, they’re part of the creative ocean that is your mind. So any idea you choose to focus on, is the part of the ocean you swim in, for now.
Understanding that by swimming in a piece of the ocean, you’re actually connected to the entire thing. One idea acted upon is representative of your overall creativity.
So no need to think in terms of which idea is better. It’s important to act on your questions and ideas enough to learn which ones pay off for you most often. Find the pattern.
The analysis paralysis you get stuck in now, denies you that experience, because you spend more time fretting and collecting than executing.
When you and I work together, I’ll show you how to observe your mind calmly. How to spot the ideas that are the best fit for your life, right now.
Then how to act upon them, and create the life you want, instead of tolerating the one you have.
Interested in learning more? Send me a message.

May I ask you something personal?

May I ask you something personal?
One takeaway I noted from the July 2 call for my Inner Circle members, is the importance of asking for permission in relationships. Not to the point it becomes controlling, of course.
It’s about establishing, and communicating your boundaries.
As someone challenged with non-verbal communication, this helps prevent many foot-in-mouth moments.
I ask my wife, and sons if I can hug them, and respect their right to say, “No’. I know their needs matter too, and if a hug at that moment would be too much, I honor that.
In the past I would’ve taken a, “No” as a rejection, and feel terrible afterward. Because of the inner work I’ve done, I no longer experience the rejection. Instead, I feel compassion for the other person.
Asking someone (versus simply doing it), if you can ask a personal question, shake a hand or hug is important. It gives you both an opportunity to establish boundaries to decrease the likelihood they’ll get crossed.
Too often, we discover each others boundaries once they’ve been crossed. Then there may be trust to repair etc.
Ask, Ask, Ask, and you will get into the habit of showing others how much you respect their needs, and boundaries.

It’s all temporary, that’s a good thing, here’s why…

May be an image of 1 person, ocean, sky and text that says 'It's all temporary...'It’s all temporary, that’s a good thing, here’s why…
When you live with chronic pain or Neurodivergence, it can be easy to become depressed, discouraged and helpless.
I slip into those states on occasion. It isn’t a failure when I do.
Even the strongest weight lifter has to set the weight down as it becomes too much to keep holding after while.
The ever present reality of relentless gremlins such as these, also presents an opportunity.
It’s a chance for you to extend the patience and self-compassion you richly deserve, as you navigate life with any chronic condition.
You’re fortunate in being able to practice in the privacy of your own mind.
The pain I experience doesn’t go away, ever. But it does change in intensity. The executive functioning challenges I experience ebb and flow as well.
My ability to remember may be on point for a day, only to slide back into forgetfulness the next.
I find comfort in reminding myself it’s all temporary. Everything is waxing and waning, from the ocean tides, to the temperature outside to the speed of your heart beat.
Being able to live in this way helps keep your mind more calm, and widens your perspective about your circumstances, and your ability to manage them.
I teach the Neurodivergent women of my paid community how to do this.

Tend to hit your ceiling too often?

ceiling“You’re so sensitive!” “You always get upset about such little things!”
As someone living with Neurodivergence, ever been told this before?
Yes, the nervous system of Neurodivergence is more sensitive overall. But that isn’t the issue.
The issue isn’t a low thresh-hold for stress. It’s how close we are to the thresh-hold constantly.
“My kid goes from 0-60 in two seconds!”
Actually, your kid goes from 55-60 in two seconds.
We can get pretty good at masking the stress we’re under, until the lid on our pressure cooker blows.
We go through life on simmer/survival, most of the time. Hyper-aware that confusion, anxiety, an awkward social interaction is just around the corner.
A dysregulated nervous system working 24/7 to regulate itself throws your mood, thoughts and motivation through a subtle and sometimes dramatic rollercoaster ride throughout the day.
I, experience emotional swings that last as short as a few seconds. I can be resting, talking with someone, anything really. Then I suddenly feel angry or very depressed. A few seconds and it’s gone.
This isn’t bi-polar, it’s mood dysregulation. What’s the difference? Bi-polar is chemical, and mood dysregulation (in this case), is neurological.
That’s one example of a dysregulated process. Then there’s sleep, appetite, body temperature. All things that can increase the baseline of stress we need to manage. Because it’s our normal.
Then we’re required to function in a world designed by people who neither live with or empathize with these issues.
So yeah, we can be the camel who breaks its back daily (hopefully less), because of how often that final straw lands on your back.
I’m a staunch advocate of self-care for that reason.
Learning self-respect, self-acceptance and self-compassion are key to living in this world.
So you can learn to see yourself through a lens that is more supportive and less critical. Some of the many things you’ll experience when you join my community.

Finding solutions when you think YOU’RE the problem…

Many (not all) folks with Neurodivergence have difficulty with introspection, and actively avoid it.
Being raised on a steady diet of criticism and correction versus curiosity and connection, can lead to emotional indigestion.
If looking inward, meant facing the shame, guilt and memories of the reasons you’re not good enough. Would you do it?
Maybe you’d study or work all the time instead.
Perhaps you’d have a hobby that consumes your downtime.
Then you don’t have to think about anything else.
You distract yourself with a screen. Emotionally pulled too and fro by marketing designed to manipulate you into taking a specific action.
So much of your experience has taught you YOU are the problem. So why would looking inward be a way to find a solution. It feels like looking for a clean drink of water in an outhouse.
No! Instead you fix your gaze outward. Looking for any sign you’re doing something, anything, to please the people who hold the keys. Keys to the door that stands between belonging, or abandonment.
Today I revealed some of my secret sauce with my inner circle. How I’ve learned to safely guide others into introspection.
So they can find safety, self-compassion and peace, through looking at what happens within, while you react to what’s around you.
The key to managing life, your thoughts and emotions. Is learning how to manage your inner world.
Without the ability to introspect, you won’t be able to accomplish this. Which is why I focus so intensely on it.
A disorganized inner world is seen by everyone else as being defensive, anxious, sensitive etc.
It’s essential to counter balance those experiences with confidence, resourcefulness, curiosity and resilience.
All of which can be accomplished through introspection that helps you unlock the wisdom in your experiences instead of reliving the pain.
Want to experience this for yourself? Then we need to talk.

Have you ever felt confused?

I took a risk. Allowing myself to be more vulnerable than usual, with a friend.

Have you ever felt confused?

Not the, trying to understand what the quantum physicist is talking about, confused.

It’s the, suddenly nothing anyone is saying makes sense, confused.

Everyone else seems to be catching on but me, confused. Ya know?

I’ve tried to reduce it all to a simple misinterpretation of the chosen words. Perhaps due even to something the speaker chose to omit.

“Of course I’d be confused if they left that part out. Anyone would be, right?”

I’ve assumed intelligence is measured by how well you understand and make use of the information given.

It’s clearer now, intelligence is better understood through how well you know yourself. To know what you need and how you need it, to do your best.

Being able to effectively communicate it to others.

I’ve feared judgement in sharing how easily confused and disoriented I get. Remember, I live with Autism, ADHD, Dyslexia and Dyscalculia.

That’s a lot of scrambled wiring in one brain.

Becoming overloaded doesn’t take much.
How my processing is going to be moment to moment, depends on a variety of things.

How many decisions have I made?
What’s my anxiety level?
Have I had enough sleep?
Have I had enough time to recover?
Is the dopamine flowing to match the demand?

Because my cup of executive function difficulty runneth over. My thinking process can become stymied by something seemingly commonsensical.

Because their words suddenly don’t make sense (auditory processing),
they’re giving me more information than I can keep track of (working memory),
I can’t remember the correct order of steps (sequencing).

When finally able to understand what my friend was trying to explain to me. I imagined how rudimentary it must have appeared, and why my confusion in itself may have been confusing.

So I came clean about my confusion and what a big problem it is for me. It’s incredibly tiring and anxiety producing to mask, “What if someone finds out!” Know what I mean?

I thanked my friend for being someone I felt safe enough to share that with.

Now I’m sharing it with you.

I’m grateful I made the leap to be honest about something that had me feeling like an imposter of sorts.

Now that it’s out there, no need to hide or feel insecure about it. The more people understand these challenges exist for people.

The more patient and compassionate they can learn to be with us. In the meantime, we need to be that way with them.

Do you allow your mind to feel the way your body does?

How are you feeling?

When asked this question recently, I responded, “Emotionally, I’m happy and optimistic. Physically, I feel exhausted and sick.”

It’s easy to get confused about the options you have, to choose the quality of your experience.

Especially when conditioned to use statements like, “I’m sick,” or “I’m in pain.” A more apt description would be, “I’m experiencing fatigue, body aches and a headache.”

No it isn’t COVID, silly. It’s life with hEDS. By being specific I’m reminded not all of me is sick.

The specific sensations I described, alerted me that an illness or flair may be brewing. Or that my physical status quo, remains so.

Kinda like driving through life in a crappy car.
It’s rusty, the tires are worn and the engine stalls when you come to a complete stop.
But you’re grateful to have a car.

Your attitude can be thought of as the weather your car drives through. The car being a body easily overwhelmed by light or sound. It has a weak battery, and is held together with doggedness infused duct tape.

It’s realizing you can enjoy the ride regardless of what you’re driving.

Sure, the a/c is busted, so the car overheating constantly can be a suckfest. One that makes the nicest weather a liability, when so much of trip prep revolves around keeping the car cool.

It’s a challenge to have a solution-focused outlook, when your body feels dysregulated or perpetually sick.

But feeling happy, content or connected doesn’t presuppose you’re comfortable. Not suggesting pain or suffering is a preferable alternative.

Quality of life is not an all-or-nothing proposition. You don’t need to be 100% happy to feel happy. You’re happy because your enjoying the happiness you have.

When you savor a spoonful of your favorite dessert, you don’t need to eat the entire platter to enjoy it.

The latter occurs when you look to the dessert for the pleasure you struggle to create yourself. I’ve struggled with this throughout my life as well.

The more I discipline the ability to choose my attitude when the body struggles, the more able I am to meet the body with patience and compassion.

Frustration and resentment are exhausting. When I focus on the car and all that it isn’t, I suffer.

When I counter balance it by focusing on abundance, opportunity and gratitude. I see how much more there is to life, than what driving distance allows.

How to make adversity smell sweeter…

How to make adversity smell sweeter…
Physically, I feel miserable all the time. It’s due to chronic illness, MS and hEDS.
But I had an epiphany just now and want to share it with you. I’ve had flashes of this insight over the years. Though more in the peripheral vision of my mind.
It’s that the person I’m becoming, is a direct response to the adversity I’ve encountered throughout life.
Note, I didn’t say adversity I was “given”, I said “encountered”. To be given something suggestions it’s personal, and deliberate.
Whereas, encountered is though you stumbled upon each other. It isn’t personal, but it is the reality before me.
Since it isn’t personal I need’nt commit energy to questions like, “What did I do to deserve this?”
Sure, you may have had a hand in it. But a hand can’t function without the rest of the body.
There are a myriad of influences outside our control, that affect the course of our lives.
I don’t blame myself for my health. Though it’s a reality, and an opportunity. It’s the use I’ve made of the opportunity, that was the source of my epiphany.
The resistance and resentment I’ve felt over the years as my physical stamina and mobility left me, caused a suffering I wish to spare everyone.
What I understand clearly now. Is how the leverage these experiences placed upon my existing beliefs, showed they could not hold.
I needed to replace or refine my approach to life, or risk being crushed by the weight of the perceived injustice.
My response has been to learn to embrace patience. From go-go-go, to pause-breathe-observe.
Needing to be more patient with yourself, necessitates the blossoming of self-compassion as well. Like the scent of any flower when it blooms, it can’t help but share the aroma with everyone who encounters it. There’s that word “encountered”, again. Huh!
So it is with the patience and compassion I practice for myself daily. I can’t help but give it to others because it’s what I focus on giving myself, every moment of every day, of my life.
What do you practice giving yourself daily?
Of course I miss a bunch of moments here and there, and that’s when I become bitchy.
Alas, the reality of my poly-diagnostic health profile hath required me to adopt a more sensible attitude toward the management of my current affairs.
Now reread the previous sentence in a fancy British accent. Just being silly. ADHD, you understand.
I’m grateful for the person I am, and continue to become.
Having to slow down and introspect to such profound depths, granted me understanding of how to be more human, and how to be at home in my own skin.
That’s what I wanted to share with you.

When cooler heads prevail

Words sometimes sting, don’t they?

Where do you feel it?
In your heart,
Your middle,
Or your mind?

You, the chosen mark.
Serving as a screen, upon which they project
their pain, and suffering.

The message is, they’re hurting.
The method is, they’re hurting you.

Preservation of your emotional integrity, and ability to access compassion are paramount.

Your right to establish bounds, requires action to realize.
Conveying directly that,
“I want to hear you,
I’d love to talk with you,
but not on those terms.”

“I empathize and hear you’re hurting. We need to do better than hurtful words, to find a way through this.
Please tell me what is happening in your body right now.”

A shift in attention to body from brain, helps to settle both.

When cooler heads engage, cooler heads prevail.

He surprised us all…

Will he make it when I’m gone?
That’s the question that keeps me up at night.
His needs have been many, since he entered this world.
The sunlight burned his eyes, and fabrics felt unbearable against his skin.
He struggled to speak clearly, even as a six year old.
His frustration evident in angry outbursts.
Often peppered with colorful language that would make a seasoned sailor blush.
With impulsivity that seemed to have a mind of its own.
We feared he’d say the wrong thing, at the wrong time and to the wrong person. We invested a lot in straightening those teeth.
We’d love to see them stay where they are.
Lighting fast, he’d wander off, unattended for a moment.
The panic of a parent, is an experience all its own.
Sometimes with the help of neighbors, we’d locate him without harm.
The subjects he studied in school were exclusion, depression and trauma. The occasional academic lesson would find its way in.
This is not a problem caused by any one person.
A reboot of a system, a mindset and values around difference, is in order.
Fearing his lack of social connections would forever lock him out.
He blew us away when he expressed interest in getting a job.
I accompanied him to the interview.
Waiting with the vigilance of a Papa Bear.
He impressed the interviewer and was hired on the spot.
Thank you to the team at McD’s for giving him a chance.
It has been almost three years since that day.
He’s king of the drive-through.
Even with his unique way of speaking, and difficulty finding words.
He’s making it work.
He started college courses in welding, a natural from the start.
His wisdom is in his body, movement.
Something he wasn’t allowed to experience or explore in school.
But today is cause for great celebration.
It is the second day of his first full time job.
Not in welding, yet!
A substantial increase in pay, more opportunities for movement, 
and a giant step forward in becoming the adult we hoped he’d be able to be.
Time, resources, a cultural evolution and of course he, will determine how far he goes.
How has he come so far, you ask?
As someone on the autism spectrum myself. I assumed the role of student and scientist.
My research and daily field tests led to an understanding of the autism experience few have been able to articulate, or so I’m told.
A treasure chest of insights and strategies that have helped move him through the most challenging times. That, and working diligently to find the right professionals to support us in the journey.
It’s taken his own commitment and resilience to get him here.
It’s taken the teachability and unwavering commitment from those around him.
It’s taken HIS village, to believe in, love him and often sacrifice, so he can succeed.
Time, effort and resources well spent.