The BRAVE ProcessTM
My signature process for helping people in the neurodivergent community find healing and self-compassion.
B
B = Bearing Witness
What’s the 1st thing you do when an unhappy thought or feeling pops up?
Well duh! You either deny it, minimize it or distract yourself from it. Sheesh, where’s this guy been?
You know folks like this, yes? Too busy to comb out the gremlins that sabotage their ability to enjoy life peacefully.
Heck! I used to be one of those people. Problem is, the gremlins don’t get smaller, disappear or get discouraged. Unless they’re faced honestly.
The most powerful and direct way to do that, is by “bearing witness” to them. That’s the B in my BRAVE Method for transformational change.
Bearing witness is the ability to observe your experience in the present moment:
nonjudgmentally curiously and with self-compassionI show up for my clients in this way as their coach. I show them loving kindness as they share their experience. I also guide them so they can learn to bear witness to their own experience.
The ultimate goal is for them to be able to bear witness for themselves and others. People need to be seen and heard more often then they need to be fixed.
Bearing witness offers the experience of being deeply seen and heard.
Imagine being able to meet your feelings without getting swept up in a guilt trip or a shame spiral.
Bearing witness is the key to escaping that pattern.
By learning to be present with the thought or feeling, all by itself.
Without falling down the rabbit hole of reacting to it.
No story of how it makes you a bad person, or life a terrible experience.
It really is something to be experienced.
It’s something my clients experience every time they talk to me.
Having someone listen to you, without telling you how you should or shouldn’t feel about it.
Without telling you you “just” need to do this or you “should” do that.
Instead you have someone open their heart and listen as you share how an experience honestly felt for you.
How refreshing, how healing, would that be for you?
R
R = Reflecting upon the roots…“What was I thinking?”
“What did I do that for?”
“Why do I ALWAYS do that?”
I KNOW I’m not the only one to ask myself those questions. Especially when I react to something in an intense way.
That’s just it. It’s a reaction. Don’t get me wrong. Reactions have their place. Like when a speeding car is coming right for me. I’d like my brain to make me jump out of the way without having to think about it.
But an emotional reaction. One that is rooted in fight or flight conditioning. Unresolved pain from long ago that you’ve hidden instead of healed. THAT causes problems.
Perhaps you believe its important to be right about everything. Because you grew up being called stupid every time you didn’t know something.
So when someone disagrees with you, you become defensive and argumentative. Sometimes to the point of insulting their intelligence.
Your entire view of the world is shaped by countless experiences on the continuum of pleasure and pain. Many help you become more resilient while others hang around and create feelings of fear, resentment and mistrust.
You don’t always understand why life feels like a risky place to be. Instead of a wondrous experience to explore and discover.
In my previous post, I introduced you to “Bearing Witness”, the first part of the BRAVE Process. Now that we’ve bared witness to our uncomfortable emotional reactions. It helps to understand what makes those the reactions we went with, as opposed to others.
The key is asking yourself the right questions.
A simple example for beginning the practice is asking yourself, “Why that?” Of all the ways you could’ve responded to what was said or done, why that?
Was there a belief that was challenged? What was it? Was there a rule that was broken? What harm does that cause?Was your ego bruised? What feeling about yourself was hurt?Reflection can be a bit like spelunking – underwater cave diving. Its filled with tight, dark corners. Some of which you’re discovering for the first time.
Sure its scary, its also exciting. You get to go at your own pace. You don’t have to go any further into the cave than you’re comfortable. But you can choose discomfort whenever you want.
I’m personally someone who is all about the deep work. I know not everyone wants to go there. But because I do, I create things like The BRAVE Process. Deep reflection into what moves you reveals some amazing stuff.
A quick story. When I went through Jukai (Soto Zen Initiation Ceremony), the Zen Master gave me the Dharma name “So Zensho”. So Zensho roughly translates into, “my nature is reflection.”
I received this name over 25 years ago. I guess he saw where I was headed. I cast my eyes to the clouds and offer respect to the late Richard Langlois Roshi.
When you can reflect upon what made you do something, while bearing witness…you can see it with less judgment and self-blame. Makes it a lot easier to see it clearly. Without becoming overwhelmed with guilt. Now you can do something about it, right!?
You no longer need to fear being alone with your thoughts. Your feelings don’t need to keep getting the best of you. When you can clearly see the roots of your reactions you can learn to pluck ’em right out.
There’s so much inside of you you have yet to discover.
A
A = Acknowledge the facts about feelings
If you’re Neurodivergent you’re a FEELER.
If you’re Neurodivergent you’re a FEELER.
I want to be clear. I’m talking about feeling NOT emotion. “While emotions are associated with bodily reactions that are activated through neurotransmitters and hormones released by the brain, feelings are the conscious experience of emotional reactions.” – Bryn Farnsworth, Ph.D
Emotions are shared, bodily experiences and can be described in one word (e.g. angry, sad, embarrassed, happy, safe).
Feelings, are more a visceral experience of the meaning you assign to your emotions, and the facts you believe are responsible for them. They’re driven by your thoughts.
This is where all your assumptions, biases, past experiences and other filters come into play.
As someone living with Neurodivergence, you feel the world around you like the typical person never will.
Anxiety is your default setting, you feel like a phony even while doing things you’re good at and you won’t accept a compliment because you’re afraid it may not be true.
You receive more criticism than the average person because you’re quirky. You also tend to take it harder because you’re more sensitive.
A trap you can fall into begins with the belief that feelings are facts. That your interpretation of events is the correct one. You’re also assuming you’re identifying your emotion correctly.
You may believe you were angry. But when taking the time to “bear witness”, you may discover you were actually experiencing fear.
Now you have a story in your head to explain the “anger” you decided you’re having. THEN, you decide to believe the story. Believe the feeling.
People in general function this way, it’s how we’re wired. Neurodivergent folks feel more intensely, deeply and personally. So our storylines can be pretty imbedded.
We can end up guarded. Locked behind beliefs and behaviors we believe will keep us safe. They actually keep us invisible.
But at some point in your life, you may decide you’re done with the suffering your feelings cause. THEN you’ll find you’re a natural fit for the BRAVE Process.
As you already know, the first thing we’d do is, “Bear Witness” to the emotion that gave birth to the feeling causing us so much anxiety in this moment.
Then we’d “Reflect upon the root” of the feeling that started it all. Why are you feeling this emotion in response?
Remember, FEELINGS AREN’T FACTS! Feelings are the meaning you assign to facts.
Discovering your role as storyteller in your own life is one of the most powerful realizations. As is discovering you also have the option to take a seat and simply watch.
Learning to separate the facts from your filters is great for keeping your triggers in check, your temper in tow and your reactions in rest mode.
Acknowledging the gap between the facts and the story makes it easier to let go of the story. Because if feelings aren’t facts, you can’t believe the nonsense you’ve been telling yourself.
One of the best things about stories. When they end, you can put them down.
V
V = Vulnerability as a key to resilienceVulnerability is weakness! So says our western patriarchy.
Resilience is about bouncing back.
Neither of those statements works for me. The second one may have been a surprise. I hope it’ll make sense once we get to that point in our journey here 😉
Vulnerability is the basis of trust, love, honesty and connection. Without those qualities we’re doomed as a species.
Vulnerability is also a prerequisite to the steps of the BRAVE Process we’ve done so far. In this step, we’re waking up to it as a conscious value. Like kindness or generosity, vulnerability as an approach to life can be a powerful experience.
Spend some time reading the stuff I share and watch what happens.
Brene Brown said, “Vulnerability is not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily lives.”
If anything, vulnerability is courageous. It’s adventurous and in search of treasure.
The treasures are:
👉Moments of connection with other human beings while you’re fully present with them happens more easily
👉Those “AHA” moments when things suddenly make sense happen far more often
👉 You live with a degree of ease. All while not knowing, and being pretty okay with the uncertainty of it all.
👉You’re more open to life in general. When you’re open you’re teachable. You realize you don’t know everything and are eager to hear new ideas.
That’s POWERFUL!
What do you imagine you could endure with that capacity?
Simply because of your ability to be vulnerable.
You could potentially acquire a level of mental and emotional resiliency that empowers you to live a fully human life. One in which you’re compassionately honest with yourself, feel your feelings and love who you are.
Resilience isn’t a backward motion, as in “bouncing back,” it’s a forward motion. It’s about moving through and forward. Life continually molds you as you move through it.
Bouncing back almost suggests you can go back to the way things were before the problem happened. That sounds like forcing the butterfly back into the cocoon.
Life moves in the direction of growth.
The irony is, in order for some things to grow. Other things must go.
Consider the concept of “letting go”. You’re told to simply, “Let it go,” in reference to a problem you’re having. Did you ever receive instructions? Me neither. But I learned along the way. I’ll teach you some time.
“Letting go” happens through vulnerability. Through the willingness to be without something you’re emotionally invested in at this moment.
🌱A decision to no longer tell yourself the story that keeps memories of it in your mind
🌱It’s entrusting them to the uncertainties of life
🌱It’s grieving loss and easing into a space for something new
A space for more love, joy, connection, life.
E
E = Engage more peacefully with this moment
“Grant me the wisdom to know the difference between what I can and cannot control.” That’s a common prayer with a coveted reward – inner peace.
Knowing the difference provides you with a clarity and trust the things out of your control will work themselves out in a way that ultimately IS NOT personal.
At the beginning of the BRAVE Process, an emotion was born in you. You paused, to “B = Bear Witness” to it, without judgment and with curiosity. You were able to see it clearly and name it. You thought it was anger (for example), turned out it was fear.
Next you, “R = Reflected upon the roots” of the emotion. What was the trigger? Perhaps you have a belief that was challenged and you feel threatened. Your mind starts spitting out thoughts like, “Who does this person think they are,” “How offensive,” or simply, “You’re WRONG!” This person is so disrespectful and…hang on.
If you were to “A = Acknowledge the facts about the feelings you’re having”. You’d determine your feelings are clouding your mind about what the facts are. You need to take some time separating the devil from the details.
Then you discover how “V = Vulnerability can be a key to resilience”. When the humility gained from witnessing, reflecting and acknowledging. Leads to the openness to accept responsibility for your role in where you are.
Not as a means of self-blame. But as a means of realizing just how powerful you are. This is the time where apologies are made (including to yourself), forgiveness is asked for and sometimes granted.
You grant yourself the grace deserving of any human being who is still figuring it out, imperfect and learns best through experience.
You gain strength and wisdom from moving through this process and it propels you forward.
Over time you learn to sense and process your experiences more quickly. Your increased self-awareness and comfort with looking within.
Your commitment to being free of feelings that poison your present is paying off.
You see. Peace isn’t about avoiding the storm. It’s about allowing the storm to pass through and leave peacefully, instead of raging inside you.
That is the BRAVE Process. Moving from suffering to serenity, from problem to peace. Peace in the present moment. The one place where anxiety, anger and fear have no oxygen, because the past and future have no standing.
This is the process I will walk you through in a variety of ways as we work together to help you find the realest version of you.