“She knew what she was doing.”
“You know it upsets me, but you keep doing it.”
Sound familiar? Yeah, me too. One of the most frustrating, soul-crushing things about growing up AuDHD was being constantly scolded—sometimes even punished—for things that were literally out of my control. Impulsivity? Forgetfulness? Nope, no room for that.
If an adult was upset, it must’ve been on purpose, so naturally, consequences had to follow.
Science disagrees. Studies show that AuDHD brains aren’t running some kind of secret sabotage operation—they’re wired differently. Executive function struggles? Real. Impulse control delays? Also real.
And yet, we learned fast: mask or face the consequences. The first people we masked for? Nit-picky parents. The ones who expected us to just “stop doing that” like it was a choice.
What’s the damage?
- Increased anxiety and shame. (PsychCentral, n.d.)
- Higher risk of masking-induced burnout. (Reardon, 2020)
- A lifetime of doubting our own intentions. (Watson, 1930—yeah, behaviorism had some thoughts on this.)
Here’s the truth: If a kid is struggling with impulse control or forgetfulness, it’s not defiance—it’s their brain doing what their brain does.
If they could “just stop,” they would. What they actually need is support, not shame.
So let’s break the cycle. If you’re a parent of an AuDHD kid, be the one who gets it. If you’re an adult who lived through this, you’re not broken.
Your brain isn’t the enemy. It just never needed a consequence—it needed understanding.
Drop a 💙 in the comments if this hit home. Or share your “I knew better, but still struggled to follow-through” moment. Let’s rewrite this narrative.