Getting beyond my self-doubt

I am enough

Self-doubt has been plaguing me for a long time now. Since my health began declining some 13 years ago, I’ve had the idea that getting back to where I was was the measure of success.

Many able-bodied friends and colleagues have encouraged that thinking over the years. They meant well and weren’t intending to be ableist; it’s all they knew, and all I’d known as well.

I’m surprised I wasn’t able to put my finger on self-doubt as the culprit until it hit me last night. It’s possible I missed it because I’ve been believing the propaganda of the mind, biased toward fear.

Feeling so much more vulnerable led me to believe there was more at stake were I to make a mistake. My confidence left as steadily as my feelings of ‘independence’ did.

I came to also believe strongly that mistakes were more probable and that my job was to contain the damage. I was living in a war-torn land of my own making.

I’ve done a lot to hide, including gaining a lot of weight. Well, I’m down 20 lbs so far, so no more hiding.

Somewhere along the way, I forgot how good I am at this, regardless of being able to move.

I’ve forgotten how many live video presentations I’ve given that have blown people away, including all the 1-to-1 sessions I do every week.

For some reason, I didn’t give myself the same credit because of how much I enjoy the energy and experience of presenting live. Live has been the standard for some reason, and now I realize how silly that is.

I’ve downplayed compliments from others about how I present via video because of the aforementioned comparison and turned down opportunities because I believed they were beyond me.

What do I do now? The self-doubt wants to continue living rent-free in my head. So, I’ll use one of my strategies to reinforce the foundation of feeling good enough and confident in where I am and who I am now.

It goes like this:

What am I if I can’t walk on stage like I used to?

I’m good enough.

What am I if I forget things in front of an audience? 

I’m good enough.

What am I if I make a mistake in front of an audience?

I’m good enough.

Why? Because I am human, nothing more, nothing less.

If I model nothing else day to day, it’s how to be the best, humble human I can be.

At that, I will always be good enough.

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