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I collapsed into tears last night, and am still processing this morning.
I’m having a procedure Friday (for back pain), that requires anesthesia. I’m not allowed to use my medical marijuana for 48 hours beforehand as it can interfere with the anesthesia.
I started ramping up my anxiety right away after hearing that. Work keeps me pretty distracted during the day. Distraction didn’t prevent thoughts of how awful I expected to feel, from intruding my mind all day. Anxiety was building in the background.
By the time the sun was setting, and I was in bed trying to relax, I felt a wave of dread building in my chest.
My brain began bombarding me with thoughts, telling me I’m a burden, that I’m fed up with needing so much help all the time, that this is all too hard, and so on.
I sat up, and began sobbing, saying these thoughts out loud. Not because I believed them, but because shame cannot survive in the light. I needed to get these thoughts into the open so they could be seen for what they are…fear.
I’m afraid of becoming an invalid in the future. I’m afraid of being left alone, and forgotten about while everyone else lives their lives.
Turns out, medical marijuana is as good for numbing emotion as it is pain. I can’t continue that. I plan on finding a balance so I can feel less pain but still allow emotion through.
Not in the flood like I experienced last night, but a more steady, hopefully more digestible flow throughout the day.
After I finished crying I began feeling tired, and lied back down. My wife in all her brilliance, put my weighted blanket over me, and got an icepack for my head. The combination helped me calm down even more.
Why am I sharing all this with you? I write so much because putting language to my experience helps me make sense of it, and work through it more effectively than if I kept everything sequestered in my brain.
It’s also a way, to hopefully demonstrate the power of sharing our experiences with each other. A simple conversation with a stranger can be paradigm shifting.
Why keep it to myself? I’m not in competition with you, we’re in this together. The more tools each of us has at our disposal the better we can show up for each other.