I took a risk. Allowing myself to be more vulnerable than usual, with a friend.
Have you ever felt confused?
Not the, trying to understand what the quantum physicist is talking about, confused.
It’s the, suddenly nothing anyone is saying makes sense, confused.
Everyone else seems to be catching on but me, confused. Ya know?
I’ve tried to reduce it all to a simple misinterpretation of the chosen words. Perhaps due even to something the speaker chose to omit.
“Of course I’d be confused if they left that part out. Anyone would be, right?”
I’ve assumed intelligence is measured by how well you understand and make use of the information given.
It’s clearer now, intelligence is better understood through how well you know yourself. To know what you need and how you need it, to do your best.
Being able to effectively communicate it to others.
I’ve feared judgement in sharing how easily confused and disoriented I get. Remember, I live with Autism, ADHD, Dyslexia and Dyscalculia.
That’s a lot of scrambled wiring in one brain.
Becoming overloaded doesn’t take much.
How my processing is going to be moment to moment, depends on a variety of things.
How many decisions have I made?
What’s my anxiety level?
Have I had enough sleep?
Have I had enough time to recover?
Is the dopamine flowing to match the demand?
Because my cup of executive function difficulty runneth over. My thinking process can become stymied by something seemingly commonsensical.
Because their words suddenly don’t make sense (auditory processing),
they’re giving me more information than I can keep track of (working memory),
I can’t remember the correct order of steps (sequencing).
When finally able to understand what my friend was trying to explain to me. I imagined how rudimentary it must have appeared, and why my confusion in itself may have been confusing.
So I came clean about my confusion and what a big problem it is for me. It’s incredibly tiring and anxiety producing to mask, “What if someone finds out!” Know what I mean?
I thanked my friend for being someone I felt safe enough to share that with.
Now I’m sharing it with you.
I’m grateful I made the leap to be honest about something that had me feeling like an imposter of sorts.
Now that it’s out there, no need to hide or feel insecure about it. The more people understand these challenges exist for people.
The more patient and compassionate they can learn to be with us. In the meantime, we need to be that way with them.
