Month: July 2021

The importance of learning to trust more

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I’m getting the hint it’s necessary for me to trust more.
 
Cath and I attended a large picnic today to celebrate the marriage of one of her best friends.
 
To walk from our car to the venue I elected to balance myself by placing my hand on her shoulder instead of using my canes.
 
I didn’t expect needing to stand and walk without her being available.
 
On two occasions that’s exactly what happened. I needed to rely on acquaintances to stand in for Cath.
 
The second time it had started raining and Cath went to bring the car closer so we could go.
 
We’d been there three hours and I didn’t have much left anyway. Though it was a lot of fun.
 
So I stood up slowly thinking I was on my own.
 
I stared at the ground as I struggled to find my bearings.
 
Then I heard, “Need some help Brian?”
 
It was the father of the bride. He and I had a pleasant conversation maybe an hour earlier.
 
I asked him if I could place my hand on his shoulder for balance and we could walk to where Cath was waiting.
 
He took charge of the, “excuse me’s” so people would step aside.
 
It was an odd feeling because Cath knows my rythym and how to walk with me.
 
I could tell each of them that helped were being careful not to move too fast. They were very considerate.
 
It’s not always easy to be vulnerable, especially when physical injury is a risk.
 
Having risked it, it’s nice to know that when I chose to trust two people with my safety, they were there for me.

Helping your neurodiverse child stop tuning you out

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Hoping our kids learn important lessons through lecture is a fruitless strategy.
 
All your kid really gets better at is tuning you out.
 
I’ve learned (especially with ND kids), introspection is a more powerful teacher.
 
But ND kids tend to avoid introspection. Their self-consciousness and inner critic make it something they want to avoid.
 
We can get around that, however, by engaging curiosity.
 
Learning to ask questions in a way that compels them to think about it.
 
The answer ultimately comes from within them so there’s little resistance to it.
It also helps them practice stopping and thinking, self-awareness, problem solving, etc.
 
All those executive functions you’re eager to help them exercise are so accessible to you.
When you utilize teachable moments to encourage reflection with questions like,
 
“When did you decide that was true,” or “How is it useful to believe that?”
 
You open your child up to their own inner world. The place they’ll find the greatest source of strength.
They’ll need it while navigating this world that still has a lot of learning to do.
 
We’ll get there, together.

A useful way to manage anxiety

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Let me tell you something about anxiety. Anxiety is stored up energy for action you can’t take.
 
When you fret about the past, thinking about how it should have gone, what you should’ve done – you’re suggesting to yourself another course of action is possible.
 
Your subconscious mind thinks, “Yeah, let’s do that!” Then it starts firing your nervous system to get you to act toward this new option.
But you can’t go back in time and do it over. It’s impossible to implement a should’ve.
 
So your body is now primed to take action on a moment long since past.
With nowhere for the energy to go, it often stays inside you.
 
You run into a similar issue with the future. You imagine scenarios where you may feel embarrassed or upset in some way.
The anxiety that comes with that imagining wants you to act to protect it from that danger.
But the danger doesn’t come in reality. The energy has no where else to go.
 
Now image living your life in such a way. That your thinking is primarily about what happened yesterday or what could happen tomorrow?
In doing so you end up manufacturing anxiety that accumulates over time. This isn’t good for your health or your morale.
 
The way out of that mess is in this moment.
 
I suspect there is no immediate threat for you to do anything about right now, true?
 
Give all of your attention to the feeling of safety that comes with that realization. Allow it to wash over you.
 
You’re welcome.

Getting beyond RSD with ADHD

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I have an idea about RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) experienced by many with ADHD.
 
I’ve noticed those that experience it perceive relationships in an all or nothing way.
 
You’re loved or unloved, given attention or ignored, you’re happy when they’re happy.
 
When in a relationship it’s often co-dependent. Wanting constant access to the other person and the dopamine hits that come from their approval.
 
Having the need for acceptance finally met after so many failed attempts can feel like breathing fresh air.
 
Whereas the loss of this feeling can feel like suffocation.
 
To approach relationships in this way causes you to idealize the people you’re in relationships with.
 
After inflating the value of the relationship, the loss of it can feel like a death. All-or-nothing.
 
But why do some folks experience RSD when they feel rejected by strangers?
 
That’s because all-or-nothing thinking treats all rejection the same. It’s a catastrophe no matter who it’s from.
 
The deeper experiences originated with those they felt close to, then were generalized to everyone else.
 
What’s the solution?
 
First recognize this is caused by a feature of ADHD. It IS NOT a character flaw!!!
 
Second, as it’s a feature of ADHD you know it’s glitchy so you need to question what it tells you.
 
Practice catching yourself having an all or nothing thought:
 
“I always…”
“You never…”
“Everybody knows…”
 
Then say to yourself, “Now you know that’s the all-or-nothing talking. What is more likely to be the case?”
 
“I sometimes…”
“You occasionally…”
“People I know…”
 
I hope this is helpful.

He’s going to be an adult someday so he may as well learn it now

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“He’s going to be an adult someday so he may as well learn it now.”
 
This is a concerning belief in the mind of many parents raising a child with neurodivergence (ND).
 
It demonstrates a fundamental misunderstanding about how our kids learn.
 
Believing a consequence needs to be harsh and effective the first time is punishment logic NOT problem solving.
 
Its important to teach our kids how to make better decisions, not simply how to feel bad for the decisions they’ve made.
 
We have an epidemic of shame and guilt in this world and it stems from beliefs like this. Shame and guilt primarily lead to changed behavior to avoid feeling more shame and guilt.
 
Is this what you want for your child?
 
Yes, our kids are going to be adults someday. That doesn’t mean they’re going to be adults tomorrow and today’s consequence better prepare them for being so.
 
It’s the parents own all or nothing thinking that believes a child needs to learn the lesson NOW, instead of as a process.
 
I live with an ND mind and am raising several children with ND. Our brains have difficulty processing, retaining and retrieving what we know.
 
Inconsistently applying what we know is the result of this glitchy web browser in our brains. It isn’t about defiance, disrespect or anything else you tell yourself to convince you its intentional.
 
Do you honestly believe your child lives to bring down as much pain upon themselves as possible.
 
Our kids learn best by learning to think through the situation you want them to become better at problem solving.
 
Not by lecturing and telling them what to do, that will not work. They need to be guided in solving the problem doing the thinking themselves.
 
I just taught the members of my Inner Circle how to do this.
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