Month: November 2020

Here’s the thing about the idea of “overcoming” your disability…

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When raising a child with a chronic condition, disability, whatever you want to call it.
 
It’s my position that “acceptance” is the goal NOT “overcoming”.
 
Overcoming puts you at odds with the challenges you’re experiencing. What emotions bubble up when you try to show your disability who’s boss (e.g. anger, anxiety, frustration)?
 
Acceptance requires a more compassionate approach toward yourself. One where you learn to be happy even while living a life that doesn’t match the one your friends live.
 
Acceptance is in part, the confidence that no longer looks to compare yourself to anyone else.
 
Acceptance isn’t the enemy of growth or skill building either. It doesn’t mean you “give up” or “let the diagnosis win”. 
That’s win-lose thinking driven by our competitive minded culture.
 
We’ve become such dopamine junkies these days. It’s easy to forget how much having to work through hard things has to teach you.
 
The more at odds you are with the teacher that is your chronic condition, the more you will have to stay in class.
 
I won’t belabor the point. Sometimes the condition is here to stay and with it, you must create a meaningful life for yourself.
 
It can mean whatever you want it to.

So you want to do everything yourself

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You want to do everything yourself, I understand.

The thing is, you’re not good at everything and that’s okay. Neither is anyone else.

Not everyone is born to be the quarterback or prima ballerina.

You have gifts and gaps. Your gifts make you an asset for those with a gap in that area and vice versa.

One of the most authentic ways for us to connect with each other is in that vulnerable moment when you ask another soul to lend you their gift to make your life a little better.

You deny yourself that amazing experience when you refuse to ask for help.

Whether it’s to help you fix something, walk you through a recipe, give advice or just listen.

The energy you receive from a supportive relationship is empowering as though belief in yourself was given a RedBull.

It’s also a great reminder someone has your back.

Being a solo act is no bueno. It’s a lonely existence when you believe success only counts when it’s you alone.

It may not be a motivation problem

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As someone living with ADHD, what looks like a lack of motivation may be resistance to the pain of progress.

Our failure rate is much higher than for the average person because of our executive functioning glitches.

We also receive significantly more criticism as a result.

So if you decide to set and pursue goals it can often feel like you’re choosing to be a glutton for failure and criticism.

If the successes don’t feel big enough for you to counter balance the negativity it may not seem worth it to you.

A few ideas.

It’s important to take on things where you can set the pace for yourself. Keep your frustration level low and do your best to enjoy the process. Slow and steady is your motto.

Find a mentor who can be a voice of reason and encouragement. You’ll need someone to help keep you from sabotaging yourself. To keep you grounded in the present.

Learn not to place as much attention on the time and effort between successes. Learn to enjoy the process as well as the success.

When you no longer fear the discomfort of the work involved in getting from A-Z the resistance subsides.

Then it’s easier to see yourself taking action and your motivation stirs.

Just remember, motivation requires a daily recommitment to doing the work to making what you desire a reality.

That focus creates your motivation to keep going.

When your child tells you, “NO!”

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When your child tells you, “NO!”
Give em a little credit.
 
It’s their first foray into setting boundaries.
 
I meet too many adults who are overwhelmed because they learned at a young age that they had no right to say, “NO!”
 
It was considered, talking back, disrespectful, selfish, etc.
 
The result is you take on too much, try to please everyone, have horrible self-care and have difficulty meeting your own needs.
 
You were instructed to do what you were told or to play nice.
 
“NO,” “STOP,” “ENOUGH,” are essential for regulating the quantity and intensity of the energy you allow into your lives.
 
As someone living with ADHD or ASD (Autism Spectrum Differences), you need to be able to ask for clarification, feedback, accomodations and set boundaries. You need to be able to do this with confidence. (I can help you with this).
 
As parents we don’t have license to steamroll over our children “because I said so.” They can’t learn self-discipline and self-control if they aren’t allowed to say “WHEN!”
 
Put your ego in check and see what’s behind the, “NO.”
 
If your child’s, “NO” is never respected, they’ll stop saying it and it sets them up to be mistreated in relationships.
 
The healthiest relationships have articulated and respected boundaries. Help your child speak up for themselves. Including with you.

I just don’t feel motivated

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Sound familiar? Common experience for many with ADHD or ASD.
 
In our all or nothing nervous system we like it or we don’t. We’re good at it or we aren’t.
 
We can hyperfocus on certain things for hours because they’re the things we’re good at. They place few demands on our executive functions and provide loads of dopamine and serotonin.
 
The other stuff is much harder with a higher failure rate. Gee, which activities am I going to lean toward?!
 
Also, motivation isn’t one thing such as will-power. It’s a combination of focused attention on a goal, emotional enthusiasm about attainment of the goal, belief the goal can be attained, for example.
 
There’s also the question, “Motivation to do what?” Maybe I’m more motivated to avoid the risks involved in what’s being asked of me. Will I feel stupid, look stupid, be reminded I need more help than other people, you name it.
 
I could also be reminded that it’s great I have people to call on when I need them. That I’ve learned clever workarounds for everyday problems and live in a digital world where I can likely find a solution online.
 
Becoming more motivated requires you to change your relationship with failure. From adversarial to advisory, it has so much to teach you about humility, curiosity and resilience.
 
It requires you to begin experiencing discomfort as the butterflies in your stomach right before your first kiss. It’s exhilarating, a little dangerous, an unknown, it won’t kill you, you’re going to be okay when it’s over, you may just be changed by it.
 
You may have more reasons for inaction than anything. You’re sick of feeling defeated. I get it. I spend much of my day bringing my attention back to what I was focusing on. I probably only spend a few hours of actual focused activity. That isn’t laziness that’s ADHD.
 
I’m highly motivated but I’m poorly focused and highly distractible. But I digress.
 
Bottom line. Motivation isn’t as simple as flipping a switch. You often need to dig a little deeper to see what bubbles up when the idea of taking action occurs to you.
 
What do you expect the result to be?
How do you expect to feel about that result?
How do you expect to feel about yourself?
How often are these your answers when faced with this situation?
 
Will you allow me to help you break free from this pattern?

Love yourself – just because

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Love thy neighbor as thyself. That’s assuming you love yourself.

We’re raised to be on our best behavior. To be friendly, polite, social.

We aren’t typically taught how to be our own best friend. Loving, supportive and understanding.

In fact, we’re often taught to feel in such a way is selfish and prideful. Self worth is selfish 🤔

But you want to feel this love and acceptance somehow and the next best way is by creating it for someone else through an act of service (e.g. kindness, friendship).

It’s a conundrum. You can accept the kindness of others and feel good about it. You can feel good because they feel good. The behavior gives you permission.

You only seem to feel good when giving is happening and people are happy.

But you’re discouraged from loving yourself just because. Without conditions.

This is the kind of love you owe to yourself. To love yourself just because.

From that place you can love yourself when you shine as well as when you stumble. When you hurt and when, in time, you heal.

You’re always worthy of love you give yourself just because.

Hmmm. That’s an interesting idea. Just because.

Want to give it a shot?

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