Month: October 2020

What time is your ADHD?

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Do you have trouble sequencing (doing things in order) because of your ADHD? Me too.

You know what else requires the ability of sequencing to fully appreciate – TIME.

We conceive of time in a linear way (e.g. 1, 2, 3, etc). Whereas counting is straightforward, the more abstract experience of time estimation or time passing requires you to imagine time as an experience vs a concrete measure.

Your brain struggles with that when it’s poor at sequencing.

I need to have a clock accessible at all times or I feel disoriented because I don’t know how much time has passed.

It’s like I feel stuck in time unless the clock tells me time is actually passing.

In fact, one reason folks with ADHD can be so impatient is because a brain lousy at sequencing wants to skip over the points between A to Z (because it doesn’t know how to sequence them) and just wants to deal with A and Z, all or nothing, now or not now.

One solution for this impatience is self awareness about the sequencing issue and the role it plays here.

Is this helpful?

I may just cry over this…

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I could cry I’m feeling so frustrated.

On my way home from seeing yet another specialist in Chicago.

My MS Doctor believed the reason for the nerve pain in my legs was because of nerve damage being caused by an additional autoimmune condition that was attacking the nerves in my legs.

So I had an EMG and just met with the specialist to get the results. She said there’s no nerve damage in my legs and thinks my MS Doctor may be confused in thinking the MS can’t be responsible for my symptoms.

One problem the Doctors have in fully visualizing my MS is they can’t use contrast during the MRI because I also have kidney disease.

The Doctor today said she thinks I may have a lesion on my brain stem that isn’t far enough along to be seen without contrast.

She ordered 15 vials worth of blood work to check for some rare things and a few vitamin deficiencies but essentially we’re back to, “We don’t know why you’re feeling as miserable as you are.”

It’s harder to walk, difficult to use my hands and no one can tell me why.

Where do I go from here?

Wallowing in self-pity won’t do me or the people in my life any good.

If I end up crying so be it, it’s cathartic and cleanses the body of stress hormones.

So I’ll remind myself I’m no worse off than when I started this day. The things that make my life worth living are all around me.

The only thing I’ve lost is hope that I’d receive news that there was a way to make me feel better.

Since that isn’t happening today, I can continue focusing on the countless other reasons for me to be happy.

Shifting my focus back to what I have to be grateful for is the plan. I’m glad I decided to write this because I can already feel it working.

You’re a unicorn and don’t let anyone tell you different

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Getting a diagnosis of ADHD or Autism is bittersweet isn’t it?
 
On the one hand you know the reason you’re struggling so much isn’t because YOU’RE defective.
 
It’s because the hardwiring of you or your child’s brain is different in an understandable and manageable way.
 
On the other hand, along with the new found clarity comes the inevitable road ahead. The road ahead is the resistance you experience from relatives, friends, teachers, coworkers and strangers who refuse to get it.
 
It would be great if you could change all of their minds.
 
Let’s face it, not everyone can convince you to think as they do and that’s a good thing. You need to be able to decide for yourself what’s right for you.
 
If someone can’t “see” you, best not to keep trying to polish their eyes. Wish them well and take the next step on your journey.
 
We often make the decision to count those who don’t accept us, and consider them an indication of our worth as we seek our tribe in this world.
 
The reality is you’re a unicorn in a world of horses. A world that seeks comfort in the familiar. Folks like us with our unconventional way of seeing and being in the world are NOT wrong, we’re just unfamiliar.
 
When others don’t accept you, it usually means their horses. Some may accept you and that’s wonderful. There are those who can see beyond their comfort zones and appreciate differences. Keep showing up as yourself.
 
Just remember you’re a unicorn. You’re unique, majestic and real. You’re also not alone. There are other unicorns in the world and we’re here to accept you.

An ADHD Superpower: The way we connect ideas

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One of the neater things about a brain with ADHD is the unique way it connects ideas.
 
We’re sometimes criticized for being off topic or too “random” when a piece of information makes us think of something completely different than everyone else. But here’s what’s missed.
 
It’s the unique way an ADHD brain connects things that lies at the heart of its gifts.
 
This is where the creative, outside the box thinking is honed. By learning to ride the wave of how your mind makes connections between ideas.
 
In having to take detours around gaps in your executive functions, your brain learns to solve problems in ways other brains don’t have to.
 
BUT! When you’ve been overly criticized for this it can create a lot of resistance toward this part of yourself.
 
I encourage you to take the power back and let your mind play. You’ll be amazed at the creativity you possess.

Will my child ever live on their own?

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One thing we worry about is whether our children with differences will be able to live on their own.
 
It’s important to have a discussion about what that means. What do they think is expected of them?
 
My youngest got the message from school that he’s expected to be completely independent and require no help. He’s an all or nothing thinker and now we’re working to undo that belief so he’s better able to self-advocate. It’s a work in progress.
 
We all live as part of a community whether we claim independence or not. What kind of a community do you envision for your child?
 
Is that community a group home?
A condo association?
An apartment complex?
A neighborhood?
Maybe a relative’s family?
 
It looks like whatever you decide it looks like.
 
The important thing to remember is that NONE of it equals failure if it doesn’t look like everyone else’s life.
 
It’s hard not to make the comparison when others seem to be happy doing and having things you don’t.
But if I spend my entire life envying someone’s chocolate sundae I can’t enjoy my strawberry ice cream.
 
You can experience as much joy fishing in a creek with a good friend as you can sitting poolside on a cruise ship.
It’s about being present, connected and grateful.
 
Build your life around that.
 
I hope my boys are able to have their own places to live one day. Who knows, maybe they’ll choose to live together.
 
What matters is that they’re safe, happy and supported.

I can’t snap out of “ADHD” and it hurts to ask me to

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Telling someone to “snap out of it” when it comes to their ADHD is one of the most hurtful things a spouse can say.
 
I read a post from a young wife this morning struggling to explain her challenges to her husband while awaiting final diagnosis for ADHD.
 
Of course many parents have shown similar resistance to their child’s diagnosis. So what gives?
 
👉 Is it fear your loved one will be considered different?
👉 Fear YOU failed if you can’t fix it?
👉 Afraid how it’ll make YOU (the partner look)?
 
Maybe it’s fear about your partner/child?
 
👉 Does it put them at increased risk in the world?
👉 What if I’m not up to this as their spouse/parent?
👉 What if I screw up and make things worse?
 
All kinds of things go through a person’s head when someone they care about is given a diagnosis.
 
Some of it can appear selfish on the surface. Some of it may be protective for a mind having difficulty grasping its role may be about to change dramatically.
 
Some of it can be old fashioned helplessness when faced with a big unknown.
 
Both sides require patience, understanding and honest communication about your hopes and fears.
 
If in the end if you’re able to work together – you win.

How do I figure out those nonverbal cues?

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In my opinion, teaching kids on the autism spectrum to read nonverbal communication is as practical as teaching a blind person how to navigate a sightseeing tour. 

It makes more sense to teach them what information is being communicated nonverbally (e.g. emotions, boundary setting, interest) that they’re missing and how to get it using the strengths they have. 

People who are blind read through touch using Braille or through text to speech technology. I am verbal and ask a lot of questions. 

👉 “Do you have any feelings about that?”
👉 “Would you like to hear more about this or talk about something else?
👉 “How much more time do you have, I don’t want to keep you?”
👉 “I sometimes get a bit loud when I talk, it’s okay to let me know by ‘insert cue’.”

So I use that strength to ask the questions most effective at getting the information I need. 

It can be hard enough to keep yourself regulated emotionally, manage your anxiety and find the words to express yourself let alone decode the other person’s nonverbal communication.

Having workarounds that play to your strengths instead of stressing your already taxed weaknesses is ideal.

Paying attention can be exhausting when you aren’t wired to do it…

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When someone says your name do they immediately get your attention?
 
For folks living with ADHD or Autism Spectrum Differences, switching your attention from one thing to another is a conscious act.
 
It’s like choosing to set down a hand weight and pick up a slightly heavier one.
 
Now comes the part where you have to maintain attention while the other person talks to you. Think of holding the weight as holding “attention”.
 
The longer you hold it the heavier it gets, the more tired your brain gets because you’re doing it intentionally NOT automatically.
 
Suddenly you can’t hold it anymore and you have to let go. This is “spacing out”.
 
This one issue is a major saboteur when it comes to connecting with other people.
Our attention doesn’t have the staying power to hang on long enough to connect with you.
 
You may think we’re being dreamy, uninterested or rude. None of which are true.
The truth it you’re dealing with someone who has a brain that’s not wired to automatically give and sustain attention.
 
So what’s the solution?
 
Frequent check ins. You’re familiar with the concept of “chunking”, yes? Breaking down large tasks into smaller more manageable ones.
 
Stop and check in every few minutes to make sure we’re following you.
 
Even better is when we take ownership as the person needing the accommodation.
 
I check in with a person simply to keep myself engaged because it gives me something to do. People with ADHD are action takers NOT sit still sponges you can simply pour into.
 
Action produces more dopamine which improves focus. So if I need to listen quietly I’ll likely be fidgety or squirmy in some way to meet my need for movement.
 
So I check in, use body language deliberately, ask questions, and clarify my understanding.
 
It not only helps the person I’m talking to feel seen and heard, it helps me break up the information coming in so my lousy working memory isn’t overwhelmed by it.
 
There are additional aspects to this strategy to help guide others into talking with you in a way you can best understand them.
 
Questions?

2 things everyone with autism needs to function…

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With working memory as gosh-awful as mine, I look for ways to simplify things as much as possible.
 
The easier complex ideas are to explain to people the easier they are to talk about and help people understand.
 
Defining autism for example, has been tricky because there’s still debate about exactly what it is. So I came up with a definition that works for me and one I’ve used for years.
 
The way I define the autism spectrum is “the ongoing struggle to stay calm and focused with a globally disorganized nervous system.”
 
If you live with anxiety it’s difficult to plan, remember, take action, concentrate. But when you’re able to calm your anxiety your focus improves which improves decision making, concentration and organization.
 
When you’re emotionally dysregulated and enter fight or flight you don’t think clearly and everything is in panic mode.
Once you deescalate and calm down your focus returns and your thoughts become more reasonable.
Calm and focus are two experiences people living with autism and adhd need to work for continuously.
 
Through stimming, repetitive habits or thought patterns, avoiding or seeking particular sensory input (e.g. hugging, smelling, tapping, snapping, pacing) all to maintain calm and focus.
 
When your executive functions are particularly lacking you’re likely not calm and focused and needing some self-care or assistance to get things done.
 
That’s a solid criteria you can use before taking a test, making an important decision or having an important conversation, “Am I calm and focused?”
 
If not, “What must I do to become so?”
 
Do you need to stretch, run, meditate, lie under a weighted blanket, take a cold shower, etc.
 
Find your recipe and follow it often to keep yourself as engaged in life as you can.
 
Simple, straightforward, powerful.
 
Questions?

Comparison robs us of the wisdom you’re here to teach

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Comparing your life to someone else’s robs you and the world of the lessons you’re here to teach.

I talked about this with my Inner Circle members this morning.

Thinking you have no right to your emotions because she has it worse than you do.

You may feel guilty sharing a positive experience in case someone is having a tough time.

The reality is we walk side by side in our journeys through life. This is where you can witness each person doing their unique healing work.

You will learn various lessons throughout life and every one who cares about you watches what you make of those experiences.

Your healing can be contagious as your courage, vulnerability and empowerment shows others what’s possible for them.

They learn from your healing.
You learn from theirs.

A variety of perspectives and experiences provides a more comprehensive understanding of how to approach any particular problem as you watch numerous others work to solve it.

One lifetime isn’t long enough to learn everything through experience. So we need to learn from each other.

This requires you to embrace the honesty of your experiences without filtering them through comparison (as much as possible).

Then when you’ve done your work, you show the world a way through as you discovered it.

Perhaps a road few dared to travel looks a little less threatening. Because you had the courage to take a chance on healing.

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