The trend labeling any kind of criticism as shaming is horseshit and the product of a victim mentality.
Of course as children we don’t know this. We take everything personally and often conclude that we’re bad in response to harsh criticism.
The problem lies not in triggering the shame it lies in not healing it.
If someone calls me fat they aren’t fat shaming me. I know I’m fat and I own why.
If I use that criticism to fuel a self loathing inner rant toward myself that’s on me.
Can it be hard work to heal your shame, absolutely. What can make it simpler though is realizing you put it there. You as opposed to the villain you saw (at the time) as more powerful than you in every way.
Doesn’t matter if you were 5 years old when you did it.
Being afraid to face this pain and work through it feeds a host of addictions or other self defeating behaviors that start with a desire to distract yourself from it.
I’m not stupid enough to suggest being the victim of a violent crime doesn’t warrant the intense reaction and subsequent struggle to regain a sense of safety in the world.
Please know that it need not be a life sentence and there are ways to help you heal to whatever degree you’re able.
The process comes down to changing what the shaming event meant to you.
This requires you to revisit, reflect, revise, reconcile and recover.
Revisit your memory of the hurtful event. It may even help to gain the perspective of others who were there to see if they have helpful insight you haven’t considered.
Reflect upon the decisions you made about what this event meant to you.
The meaning you create keeps feelings of hurt in play because believing you’re bad isn’t exactly temporary.
It also isn’t enough to change your thinking, your body is holding onto the pain as well and crying is one way pain exits the body.
Revise the decisions you made then with ones that acknowledge why you decided what you did at the time. Give yourself permission to change your mind about what it all meant.
Choose a new empowered meaning/memory that creates a feeling of the weight of the old meaning being lifted off you.
Reconcile the new memory of the past with where you are now. Has the feeling you have about yourself now improved. Yes, good.
Recovery of lost dignity increases your confidence, perseverance and resilience.
More than worth it if you ask me.
When you join my inner circle I’ll walk you through this step by step until the healing is done.
No need to worry about sending people to my profile because I swear in some of my posts. This was a concern shared by a client just now.
What I explained to her was that my use of swearing is to bring more attention to the raw emotion that lies within a particular issue.
For some people it may appear aggressive, they don’t like it and keep scrolling. I’m not interested in chasing people who are turned off and begging them to give me another chance to measure up to their expectations.
My intention is unfiltered and honest sharing. If I need to edit the feedback I give people I’m not serving them fully.
Also know that I’m a big softy and my clients know that my direct feedback is delivered with calm, compassion.
Individualism drives much of what’s wrong about Western thinking. I see proponents of this practically salivate over the misfortunes of others who are seen as being to blame for their own misery.
While they make use of publicly funded utilities, roads, schools they perpetuate the myth they did it all by themselves. Independent, without help, self made – such complete, arrogant bullshit.
They treat life like a zero sum game. They see other people as competition in a world of scarcity. They want to collect as much as they can for themselves and see sharing as an insult to their sense of entitlement.
Their needs are met by a complex socio-economic system that made it possible. A system we all must support and cross our fingers will support us when we need it.
Then there’s Ubuntu, an African saying that means, “I am because we are.”
It recognizes that the human experience is intimately shared, but also personal. It understands that we are not separate from each other or our environment.
Rugged individualism is great for the ego and is rooted in pride and selfishness.
It has little or no place in a world more and more connected. We have been leaning on each other’s shared humanity recently like I’ve never experienced before.
This is how it must be for human beings to realize just how much of an impact we have on each other. Yes, there are plenty of individualists out there referring to those who struggle as, “Pussies who just need to toughen up.” If you believe that about people, it doesn’t make you independent or strong, it just makes you an asshole.
You have multiple communities available to you whether you connect with and participate in them is up to you (e.g. friendships, family, neighborhood, town, etc.)
Either way it isn’t about you or me, it’s about we.
The secret to happiness isn’t found on a pedestal of authority
It’s so important to remind people that the key to happiness isn’t increased wealth or status.
Celebrities like Jim Carrey, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Glennon Doyle, one of my favorites Jamilla Jamil openly discuss their challenges with mental health.
They burst the bubble of celebrity and the pedestal many people put it on.
The idea that the perfect body, the best car, the biggest house, whatever it is for you, will give you permission to feel good enough once you’ve achieved it simply isn’t the case.
It’s all bullshit, you’re good enough right now. Your resistance to that idea is what causes you so much suffering.
When you struggle with ADHD/ASD, chronic pain, etc., too much of your identity can be wrapped up in that struggle. How hard you have it because of your diagnosis.
You get more negative messages hurled your way when you don’t measure up to a make believe ideal some marketer or other self righteous armchair quarterback pulled out of their ass.
I’m here to tell you you’re already good enough regardless of the bombardment of messages you receive daily telling you you’re doing it wrong if you aren’t buying their thing – FUCK EM’!
I hope I’m clear in that I don’t believe everyone needs to do the deep dive inward that I’m doing. I know I’ve found healing in doing so. But this process is the hardest work I’ve ever done. Hard but doable.
I can’t promise anything regarding what lies on the other side of accepting the reality of your hurt, allowing yourself to feel and move beyond it.
I will promise that if you choose this path, I’ll be right there with you.