You dont need the approval of people from your past

How many people are on your friends list because it makes you feel better about yourself by being connected to them?

I unfriended a lot of high school friends I was connected to for all the wrong reasons.

They were people I knew but wasn’t friends with. People I envied because they had friends, appeared happy and successful.

Everything I wished I had during those four years we roamed the same halls.

When they surprisingly wanted to connect on FB, that unresolved need perked up and said, “They finally accept me. I’m more important now (even a little) because this important person sees me.”

Now I understand the truth. I never needed their approval to be good enough, I always was but couldn’t see it.

Turns out, we really didn’t communicate after connecting anyway. The connection served as little more than window dressing for my ego. I don’t need that kind of crap percolating in my brain.

So off they go, along with the need for the approval of people from my past. I don’t need their permission, neither do you.

Apply to become part of my Inner Circle https://buff.ly/2yNLA0T

You’re more than what you produce

It’s amazing how much has changed in my life since the beginning of the global retreat from life as we knew it.

Relationships haven ended, many have been challenged and new ones have began.

I feel like I’ve been unplugged from the Matrix of my own fears. Partially, the journey is ongoing.

I’m not even thinking in terms of how much change has occurred. It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that I stay present and pay attention to life in this moment.

Sometimes it wants me to go tenaciously after my goals. Other times it wants me to stop chasing and spend more time being.

I’m struggling with the latter but I’ll find my way.

We’ve been acculturated to place our worth on the altar of productivity. So much that many lose a sense of who they are if they aren’t “delivering” in some way.

The need to measure up by showing how much you can do is a habit that dies hard.

You owe it to yourself to break free of that web before it consumes you.

9 steps to freedom

Just shared this strategy with a client. I call it “9 Steps to Freedom”.
 
This is a straightforward strategy for transforming limiting core beliefs into more empowering ones. 
 
Ready?
 
1. What are you grateful for this week? (2-3 things) This gets your mind into a more abundant place.
 
2. What’s foremost on your mind right now? Describe the problem as you understand it. Everything in your life is connected, you’ll see.
 
3. Is there anything else?
 
4. Describe the outcome/result you desire that you believe is presently outside your reach.
 
5. Identify beliefs that create and/or maintain the problem.
 
6. Challenge the limiting beliefs
 
7. Suggest new belief(s) that would make achieving the desired result more possible.
 
8. Assign an action step to create the needed shift in perception for desired change to take place.
 
9. Accountability plan (how will you make sure you follow through)? 
 
Here to help you implement this.

It’s hard to change and grow if you don’t think it’s possible to do

One mistake many parents and professionals make is assuming people with ADHD/ASD are interested in changing to improve their lives.

It isn’t that they don’t want to change, it’s often that they don’t believe they’re able to create the necessary changes to make the effort worth it.

We’re talking about folks who often have difficulty finishing what they start, if they get started at all. They struggle with creating an action plan let alone executing on one.

People with this much difficulty can end up with such brutal self-talk they believe themselves to be stupid, incompetent, worthless etc.

One of the first things to establish with any person living with ADHD/ASD you’ve been entrusted to help – is their mindset. What are their beliefs about change and how to best make it happen?

1. Is change something they want?

2. Do they believe they are capable of making the change(s) they want?

3. If things were more like they wanted them to be, what would be different?

4. What one thing could they do to begin making that change?

5. What do they need to believe about themselves in order to take that first action?

6. Do they agree to act as if what they believed what was stated in #5 is true?

7. Do they agree to take the new action and report back?

How they respond to this exercise will tell you a lot about how flexible their thinking is, their level of self-doubt etc. Do they think they must do it alone instead of with help?

The objective is to introduce the idea of change in a different way because of the questions you ask. Give this a go with yourself and/or someone else and let me know what comes up.

The best mindset won’t undo emotional blocks

The idea of mindset as the determining factor in success is a misnomer. This coming from a guy often referred to as The Mindset King.

The truth is all the best thinking in the world won’t overcome emotional blocks in your body.

You may be able to push past (not through) them on occasion. Sure you still made progress, but you did it with a ball and chain strapped to your ankle.

You maintained the facade everyone has come to know, fearing the next time they may see through it.

Here’s the thing, the facade is for you. To protect you from the fear of being disliked for being yourself.

Not everyone likes pineapple on pizza (and I feel sorry for them 😉). That doesn’t mean pineapple is a worthless fruit that has no place in this world and that everyone would be happier without.

It means pineapple or anything else doesn’t lose its value just because it isn’t right for everyone.

No one should be granted the power to talk you out of believing in your own worth.

If you let them, remember, it isn’t them doing wrong by you, it’s you. You must do the work of connecting with and strengthening the core part of yourself that knows it’s worthy of being loved.

Strengthen it until it’s nonnegotiable. Meaning that even during times of criticism you know you’re still good enough. Know it in your heart as well as your head.

You have it in you, because if you didn’t have the capacity to love yourself you wouldn’t be drawn to the idea of increasing it.

It’s quite possibly the hardest work you’ll ever do. It’s the surest path to being liberated from the past.

I’m here to walk the path with you. As are those in my Inner Circle who will support you every step of the way.

How much do hurt feelings weigh?

You know those moments when someone does or says something you feel hurt by. They apologize and you say, “It’s okay.”

You try to let it go because you’re, “supposed to.” What you end up doing is beating yourself up over being upset instead of dealing with your emotions.

Your life is filled with these moments where a small wound is minimized and compartmentalized but it doesn’t disappear.

It reminds me of a story about a teacher who presented a glass of water to his class and asked them to guess how much it weighed.

He invited a student to pick up the glass and guess its weight. He asked the student to keep holding the glass as he kept speaking to the class. Cautioning the student not to spill a drop.

The student holding the glass began to feel his hand cramp and his arm grow tired and finally said, “This glass is starting to get heavy. Can you just tell us how much it weighs.”

To which the teacher replied, “It depends on how long you hold it.”

These little hurts add up. When you work so hard not to spill even a drop, not shedding a single tear, the weight builds.

Look at the word depressed. It has “press” in the middle. It refers to the pressure, the weight you continue to carry.

Let’s work on helping you put that weight down. You weren’t meant to live in pain, you’re meant to live with purpose.

Shame is an inside job ripe for a do over

No one can shame you but you!

The trend labeling any kind of criticism as shaming is horseshit and the product of a victim mentality.

Of course as children we don’t know this. We take everything personally and often conclude that we’re bad in response to harsh criticism.

The problem lies not in triggering the shame it lies in not healing it.

If someone calls me fat they aren’t fat shaming me. I know I’m fat and I own why.

If I use that criticism to fuel a self loathing inner rant toward myself that’s on me.

Can it be hard work to heal your shame, absolutely. What can make it simpler though is realizing you put it there. You as opposed to the villain you saw (at the time) as more powerful than you in every way.

Doesn’t matter if you were 5 years old when you did it.

Being afraid to face this pain and work through it feeds a host of addictions or other self defeating behaviors that start with a desire to distract yourself from it.

I’m not stupid enough to suggest being the victim of a violent crime doesn’t warrant the intense reaction and subsequent struggle to regain a sense of safety in the world.

Please know that it need not be a life sentence and there are ways to help you heal to whatever degree you’re able.

The process comes down to changing what the shaming event meant to you.

This requires you to revisit, reflect, revise, reconcile and recover.

  1. Revisit your memory of the hurtful event. It may even help to gain the perspective of others who were there to see if they have helpful insight you haven’t considered.
  2. Reflect upon the decisions you made about what this event meant to you.

The meaning you create keeps feelings of hurt in play because believing you’re bad isn’t exactly temporary.

It also isn’t enough to change your thinking, your body is holding onto the pain as well and crying is one way pain exits the body.

  1. Revise the decisions you made then with ones that acknowledge why you decided what you did at the time. Give yourself permission to change your mind about what it all meant.

Choose a new empowered meaning/memory that creates a feeling of the weight of the old meaning being lifted off you.

  1. Reconcile the new memory of the past with where you are now. Has the feeling you have about yourself now improved. Yes, good.
  2. Recovery of lost dignity increases your confidence, perseverance and resilience.

More than worth it if you ask me.

When you join my inner circle I’ll walk you through this step by step until the healing is done.

You can be compassionate and still use swear words

No need to worry about sending people to my profile because I swear in some of my posts. This was a concern shared by a client just now.

What I explained to her was that my use of swearing is to bring more attention to the raw emotion that lies within a particular issue.

For some people it may appear aggressive, they don’t like it and keep scrolling. I’m not interested in chasing people who are turned off and begging them to give me another chance to measure up to their expectations.

My intention is unfiltered and honest sharing. If I need to edit the feedback I give people I’m not serving them fully.

Also know that I’m a big softy and my clients know that my direct feedback is delivered with calm, compassion.

You can be compassionate and still say FUCK!

We need less rugged individualism and more Ubuntu to heal the world’s wounds

Individualism drives much of what’s wrong about Western thinking. I see proponents of this practically salivate over the misfortunes of others who are seen as being to blame for their own misery.

While they make use of publicly funded utilities, roads, schools they perpetuate the myth they did it all by themselves. Independent, without help, self made – such complete, arrogant bullshit.

They treat life like a zero sum game. They see other people as competition in a world of scarcity. They want to collect as much as they can for themselves and see sharing as an insult to their sense of entitlement.

Their needs are met by a complex socio-economic system that made it possible. A system we all must support and cross our fingers will support us when we need it.

Then there’s Ubuntu, an African saying that means, “I am because we are.”

It recognizes that the human experience is intimately shared, but also personal. It understands that we are not separate from each other or our environment.

Rugged individualism is great for the ego and is rooted in pride and selfishness.

It has little or no place in a world more and more connected. We have been leaning on each other’s shared humanity recently like I’ve never experienced before.

This is how it must be for human beings to realize just how much of an impact we have on each other. Yes, there are plenty of individualists out there referring to those who struggle as, “Pussies who just need to toughen up.” If you believe that about people, it doesn’t make you independent or strong, it just makes you an asshole.

You have multiple communities available to you whether you connect with and participate in them is up to you (e.g. friendships, family, neighborhood, town, etc.)

Either way it isn’t about you or me, it’s about we.

It’s about time WE act like it.

The secret to happiness isn’t found on a pedestal of authority

The secret to happiness isn’t found on a pedestal of authority

It’s so important to remind people that the key to happiness isn’t increased wealth or status.

Celebrities like Jim Carrey, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Glennon Doyle, one of my favorites Jamilla Jamil openly discuss their challenges with mental health.

They burst the bubble of celebrity and the pedestal many people put it on.

The idea that the perfect body, the best car, the biggest house, whatever it is for you, will give you permission to feel good enough once you’ve achieved it simply isn’t the case.

It’s all bullshit, you’re good enough right now. Your resistance to that idea is what causes you so much suffering.

When you struggle with ADHD/ASD, chronic pain, etc., too much of your identity can be wrapped up in that struggle. How hard you have it because of your diagnosis.

You get more negative messages hurled your way when you don’t measure up to a make believe ideal some marketer or other self righteous armchair quarterback pulled out of their ass.

I’m here to tell you you’re already good enough regardless of the bombardment of messages you receive daily telling you you’re doing it wrong if you aren’t buying their thing – FUCK EM’!

I hope I’m clear in that I don’t believe everyone needs to do the deep dive inward that I’m doing. I know I’ve found healing in doing so. But this process is the hardest work I’ve ever done. Hard but doable.

I can’t promise anything regarding what lies on the other side of accepting the reality of your hurt, allowing yourself to feel and move beyond it.

I will promise that if you choose this path, I’ll be right there with you.