Every day you need to recommit to the climb

Every day I encourage you to recommit to living your values.

Consciously decide what you’re going to stand for and how you’re going to show up for people. Every day.

You can’t afford to, “just see what happens” or “see what the day throws your way”.

I know, you can’t control everything. You don’t want to leave it all up to chance either.

That’s reactive living. You’re an artist who is born to create.

Your art can be kindness and your canvas is a fellow human beings heart.

“Nothing happens until something moves.” – Albert Einstein

We must do and be for each other.

When you live with chronic pain or other circumstances with the potential of overpowering your mind with negativity, making a daily commitment to living positively is often a necessary tool.

I imagine those who have climbed mountains have stories about how each step was intentional, purposeful.

If you need to live life like that to push through then do it. That level of purpose can help you push through just about anything.

Honesty is the price you pay for self-compassion

Self-compassion is impossible without the willingness to be completely honest with yourself.

The problem is, you aren’t raised to be honest in a loving way.

You were raised by people who cuss, shout, tell tools they’re stupid and insult themselves for making mistakes.

It’s easy for this way of handling frustration to rub off when you grow up watching it.

Equally, the thrill of successes would soon fade and need to be earned again. But that’s not necessarily easy.

This “I’m proud or I’m punishing myself” cycle is self abuse.

You’re always fighting to measure up and can’t quite keep up the demand for constant performance.

However!

When you learn to approach yourself, your life, in a more loving way, the self abuse stops.

Fascination often replaces frustration.

Remember, honesty has two sides.

🌱 The side that objectively describes the facts regarding your actions and their consequences.

🌱 The other side is the one where you remain worthy of loving no matter what.

This is a side of honesty that often resides in the shadows. Especially in your self talk.

But you know it’s in there, you’ve heard it.

Now we need to make it stronger.

Second time is a charm

I had my monthly bloodletting today to treat the polycythemia that puts me at increased risk for blood clots.

Today I worked with a new group of staff, an instructor and two students.

I warned the instructor I was a difficult stick and sometimes required a second stick. She assured me it would be okay.

Guess what happened?

She seemed a little flustered when one arm started to give blood but then stopped (in spite of her efforts).

I assured her it was okay to try the other arm. I’m aware this is always a possibility and accept that fact.

Keep in mind, we’re not talking about the needle they use when taking blood for a test. These needles are almost wide enough to use to drink out of a juice box.

Fortunately, my other arm worked much better.

I did what I always do. I cracked jokes and made it a teachable moment for everyone.

This is one of the few times I get to interact with people outside my home. The least I can do is make it a pleasant experience.

I’m gonna rest now. I feel drained 😉

Do you love yourself?

“Do you love yourself?”
 
I mean truly feel your own worth, regardless of anyone else’s permission.
 
I asked a client this question just now.
 
In fact, I often ask myself this question to see how in touch I am with my own worth. To be honest the answer varies.
 
Sometimes I say, “I really love you, Brian” and it lights me up. Other times I feel a wall come up. That’s my cue to explore what’s behind the “not good enough” of the moment.
 
We were discussing boundaries at the time. What I explained was its difficult to establish and enforce personal boundaries around self-care if you don’t think you’re worth it.
 
Martyrs often glamorize putting the needs of others before their own to cover for their poor sense of self worth. NOTE, I said often NOT always.
 
Of course there are plenty of instances where putting the needs of others first is honorable, but not as an all or nothing way of life. There’s no honor in celebrating the anorexic who died starving themselves to end hunger. Make sense?
 
Being able to love yourself is an act of humility not of selfishness.
 
To love you is to love the you that is simply human. Not special, not better or worse. But you are here, one of the pack. As one of the pack, you deserve to be included and never left behind.
 
But you must value your own worth. You too must eat, sleep, laugh, love, connect and grow. Your human needs don’t get suspended because others demand your attention.
 
Claim your personal duty to love yourself to. Encourage it in those around you as well. You want to teach your children not to be taken advantage of by others?
 
Teach them how to love themselves instead of trying to make everyone else happy.
 
You too can learn to love yourself as part of the Inner Circle https://bit.ly/2Y3uG9q

When do you get to be yourself…

Hey Moms,

It’s hard when the memory of your childhood is of a girl who struggled throughout her life, feeling like an outsider.

✔️She wasn’t outgoing enough
✔️She was too sensitive
✔️Didn’t pay attention because she was too dreamy.
✔️Social relationships felt awkward and superficial

People around you seemed to want different things from you. You learned to be different things to different people to keep their approval.

But you rarely, if ever, got to be yourself.

You learned that wearing a variety of hats, fulfilling a variety of roles is what made you valuable to others.

But you must be doing, serving, in order to have value.

What about the “being” responsible for the doing. Isn’t she worth something?

What if she just wants a day to be. Not keeping an appointment, rescuing someone or being someone else’s everything?

When does this little girl, who has grown into a woman, get to love herself for who she is?

It can be confusing to find your way in life when you keep shuffling through the various roles you play in search of the one that’s ultimately you.

None of them are.

The roles were created in response to the mistaken belief that being who others want you to be makes you worthy.

Once you realize this mistake, you can spend the next chapters of your life letting go of the roles.

When you find the true you beneath those layers, it’s the happiest feeling.

Trust and trust again…

Trust and trust again until you find those who truly value it.

🌱 People who support your growth
🌱 Who honor your vulnerability
🌱 Who let you be you

Those are the people to surround yourself with.

I was talking with my sons at dinner and shared this with them.

I used to think the solution was building up their social skills so they’d be able to hold their own in a conversation. My sons live with ASD and ADHD.

That’s well and good, but if you’re blind to your own vulnerabilities it can make you more of a target.

The foundation of any interpersonal skills is self awareness.

I encouraged them to work on being more honest with themselves about what they need help with to live the life they want.

Emphasizing, of course, that at age 50 I still struggle with this. So allow yourself to remain in process and get better and better at this over time.

The cast of characters in your social circle will ideally level up as you grow into the depth of who you truly are.

It hurts to have your trust violated. It can feel dangerous to trust again.

Think about how good it feels when you find the person you know will catch you if you fall.

Now imagine having many relationships like this.

It’s powerful. It’s possible.

I have a community just like this.

Are you grateful for yourself?

Are you grateful for yourself?

It’s common for people to be grateful for things they own, experiences they’ve had or people who show up for them.

What’s less common, but so important, is to be grateful for WHO you are.

You can acknowledge to yourself, “I’m grateful for my patience in this situation.”

“I’m grateful I chose to be kind to this person.”

In this culture we are taught that something measured (e.g. closing a deal, completing a list) is worthy of celebration.

Being grateful for things about you that reflect your decency and humanity isn’t selfish or self-centered. It is, however, self-aware.

Self-awareness determines how well you understand what motivates you. What you’re good at and where you need help. It also determines your sense of responsibility for making any necessary changes.

I’m telling you right now that WHO you are. Practiced deliberately and consistently. Gives greater power to everything you do because it’s backed by purpose.

You can accomplish this by making note in the moment or in writing. Train your awareness to notice examples of compassion, generosity, inclusion or simply minding your own business.

You don’t have to be perfect, just be as consistent as you can be.

So at the end of each day, especially in the moment. You can be grateful for who you are, regardless of how things went otherwise.

“I feel insignificant,” he said to me just now.

“I feel insignificant,” he said to me just now.

As I explored this statement I learned something interesting.

It turned out he’s extremely bored. COVID has left us with few options to add more variety to our routines.

His boredom led to frustration. Frustration with the situation, the state of the world and his inability to do anything about it.

To him, feeling insignificant means not having the power to change the present state of things.

So we’re going to start with the library and find more alternatives to screens.

It’s easy to get stuck in a rut though isn’t it?

Things keep finding their way onto your list of to do’s. Even though you should feel productive you feel like you can’t get ahead.

Too much routine becomes monotonous and doesn’t satisfy a curious mind like yours. You can find the much needed contrast in a book, a conversation with a good friend, exploring nature.

Your adventure is waiting for you.

Mom, two steps back is a beautiful way to succeed…

Mom, two steps back is a beautiful way to succeed…

You know the expression, “One step forward, two steps back.” You feel like you’re getting somewhere then experience a setback.

How do you handle those moments, do you hope no one saw it?

I suggest we focus on the forward and back as the teacher of this lesson.

Progress and setback/stepback are such a common experience because both are necessary for progress.

It’s hard to get back up if you never fall.

If you’ve ever fished you know that you occasionally need to put slack in the line when you’re reeling in a strong fish. Otherwise your line could snap.

You reel it in a bit (one step forward), allow for slack (2 steps back).

When you want to see something up close (1 step forward), or create a little distance to get a big picture view (2 steps back).

When you dance with a partner you aren’t always leading, you may not know the dance or like the music.

Kinda like life. Life is your partner and leads you in all sorts of directions. You dance, one step forward, two steps back. Then maybe five steps forward and one step back.

You get the idea, yes?

Progress is linear only in the perfectionists mind.

You see this while trying to be the best parent, spouse or friend.

Something that works great today may not work tomorrow. Keep dancing.

If you’re self-conscious and think things go wrong because of you, you’re missing the big picture.

Take two steps back and check the big picture. The big picture takes into consideration the fact there are more things out of your control than in your control in any situation.

You’re doing the best you can without the skills of a Broadway dancer.

Fortunately, you don’t need to be a Juilliard graduate to dance with life.

You just need to be teachable, humble and flexible. Flexible enough to learn your unique rythym.

When you need to push (one step forward) and rest (two steps back).

Find your balance so you don’t snap like a fishing line.

The Moms in my Inner Circle make great strides in finding better balance without any guilt.

You’re welcome to join us https://bit.ly/2Y3uG9q

How quickly can you go from zero to catastrophe in your thinking?

How quickly can you go from zero to catastrophe in your thinking?

It’s an ever present source of anxiety isn’t it?

What you likely aren’t aware of is that catastrophe is only one side of the coin. The other side is opportunity.

In fact, let’s reframe how we see the coin. Instead of heads or tails, think head or heart.

Do you lead with your head more than your heart (what are the consequences)?

How do you balance the two in order to avoid the crazy making you put yourself through?

Begin by realizing the head and heart are a partnership not a competition and balance is the order of the day.

The head demands planning and knowing. The heart desires curiosity and learning.

If you go catastrophic it’s because you’re seeing the perfection/planning side of the coin while forgetting it’s partnership with the imperfection/learning side.

Here’s how the partnership looks in action…

Imperfection – Mistake, Adjust, Mistake, Tweak, BINGO!

(Flip the coin)

Perfect♥️ IT WORKS!

Make sense?

Letting go of catastrophic thinking requires you to see perfect and imperfect as inseparable.

Gifting you with a reliable, repeatable path for discovering what works to create a life you’re happy with.

I can guide you in how to master this way of thinking. Just ask me…