Cleaning house emotionally

Louise Hay once said, “If you want to clean your kitchen, you have to look at the dirt.”

A prerequisite to being authentically happy is working through the negative emotions that keep it at bay.

Happiness isn’t a fake it till you make it proposition.

Watch and chime in on this discussion.

You don’t have to be an expert to help: A powerful tip for overcoming imposter syndrome

Afraid to share what you know with the world out of fear you’re not qualified?

“Well I’m no expert!”

“Who would want to listen to me?”

There’s a myth in the world that only experts are worth listening too. Not true.

You have something important to teach but your lack of confidence stands in the way of sharing it.

In this video I share a tip for breaking through that confidence block and bringing your wisdom to the world.

Awareness doesn’t solve the problem of acceptance, but this can . . .

We talk about the need for greater Awareness but you must admit, overall Awareness is useless if minds don’t change.

Acceptance of difference isn’t brought about but greater Awareness of that difference.

The problem and the solution are more fundamental. In this video I share my perception of what the real problem is and what opportunities we have to remedy it. I’d love your thoughts on it.

Try letting go of the need to have opinions about things that have nothing to do with you.

I was to explain more about how to do this. Here’s my response.

1) Begin by determining what the opinions are.
2) Ask, “Is my life made better by holding this opinion?”
3) Ask, “Is my energy being depleted by being emotionally invested in this?”
4) Ask, “Is my life purpose served by holding this opinion?”
5) Ask, “By deciding to let go of this opinion, where will my energy go instead?”
 
There will likely need to be some subtle tweaks in here but these steps can help you.

An Easter lesson on personal transformation

When is the last time you died so you could be reborn? We’ll get into that in a second. For Christians, the Easter Holiday is the most important as it depicts the ultimate promise of Christianity.

As a Buddhist, I honor the lessons of this tradition and share some ideas for how I make use of this tradition in my own life.

Reaching your personal potential often requires you to let go of who you believe yourself to be, allow those ideas to die so you can step into who you truly are.

An acorn must break free in order to become the oak tree it can be.

Watch and share this video as I expand upon this lesson. Happy Easter.

A way to keep anxiety at bay

It was once thought that there were two main personality types in human beings. The A – more aggressive, ambitious type, and B – a more relaxed, less competitive, go with the flow type. This can be thought of as a Yin (B) and Yang (A) approach to personality.

A major flaw with it of course is it thinks in terms of extremes. Where’s the balance? That’s a problem here, isn’t it?

With a society becoming hungrier for consumption we’re losing balance while increasing our stress levels. What to do, what to do?  

First, it’s important to understand the emotional forces at play. 

When it comes to regulating your emotions, your brain tends to operate within three zones:

1) Active = for competition and other goal driven pursuits
2) Anxious = for self-preservation, alertness, and avoidance of danger 
3) Calm = self-soothing, reflective, peace

It’s the last one (calm) where we spend the least amount of time.

We are taught to value calm in response to anger (Active) or Fear  (Anxiety), “Will you calm down!”

That’s like thinking of the value of water primarily in response to fire. 

Imagine you worked as diligently to develop your capacity for calm as you did for building your competitive skill or being ready for the potential threats that exist in the world. 

Just this morning, my 13 yr old son Connor (today is his birthday by the way), stated that he’s eager to learn what to do if he’s ever in a fight.

I asked him if he was also interested in learning to avoid the fight in the first place? He hadn’t considered that.

Many misinterpret the feeling of calm as the result of putting a worry out of your mind, distracting yourself for a time. Those options are defenses, not solutions. 

The calm I’m talking about is a part of the resilience that stems from a solution-focused mind. One that knows solutions exist and that a patient search for them will reveal the outcome you need. 

There are those in my life who don’t understand this quality in me. They choose to FREAK OUT while I work to FIND OUT. They PANIC while I PERUSE. 

By increasing your capacity for calm you don’t necessarily eliminate the active and anxious aspects of emotion, why would you want to, each serves a valuable purpose.

What you want is a balance so one doesn’t tend to take over at the expense of the others.  

How do you develop more calm? Begin by making note of what calms you. I’m not talking alcohol or drugs here. 

The most powerful calming forces are the ones that build your internal capacity for calm (e.g. reading, journaling, meditation), as these help temper your reactivity in intense situations.

Walks in nature, pleasure reading, hobbies are great as they take you away from the grind of everyday living. But if the anxiety returns when you’re done, they’ve served as a distraction.

I suggest scheduling time for reading, meditation. I did both before writing this message for you. You’d be surprised how able you are to make time for something you prioritize. 

Don’t think you have the patience or ability to increase your calm. That’s what my Master Your Mindset program can teach you. 

That’s all for now. 

Do you give while everyone else takes?

Yesterday a major topic in the discussions I had with clients was a lack of reciprocity (give and take) in their relationships.

During the weekly mastermind call with my clients, one member brought up the dispute with their spouse over the division of household chores. Is this a familiar subject in your household?

While text coaching with a client on their train ride home from work, the subject of lazy colleagues was addressed. The feeling that they are expected to pick up the slack for everyone else. Does this one resonate?

Fortunately, the suggestions I have for reconciling either situation is the same.

It begins by examining the story you tell yourself about how it should be, what others ought to be doing and why the present state of things is unfair.

It’s that story that feeds the frustration you experience over the situation and your belief that you are being victimized by others. Seeing the story for what it is, a story and nothing else, can help you sidestep the victim mindset and allow you to regain your ability to take action on your own behalf in the situation. 

Second, it’s important that you speak up and clarify your understanding of what your responsibilities are and what you fully intend to do to satisfy them, while also clarifying the responsibilities of others involved in what they plan to do to satisfy them.

Assumptions are breeding grounds for miscommunication and unmet expectations.

Once you’ve done those two things your task is to execute your own responsibilities, nothing more. You don’t concern yourself with the shoulds or the oughts as they pertain to others.

You model what it means to own your responsibilities and satisfy them. You can support others in satisfying their responsibilities but it is not up to you to satisfy them on another’s behalf.

Easier said than done to change this habit of yours, of course.

But when you increase self-discipline in this area you will free yourself from frustration on a level you may have never experienced before.

Are you eager to learn how to do this? Then let me know and we’ll discuss how to get you from where you are to frustration-free.     
 

That’s all for now.