The best mindset won’t undo emotional blocks

The idea of mindset as the determining factor in success is a misnomer. This coming from a guy often referred to as The Mindset King.

The truth is all the best thinking in the world won’t overcome emotional blocks in your body.

You may be able to push past (not through) them on occasion. Sure you still made progress, but you did it with a ball and chain strapped to your ankle.

You maintained the facade everyone has come to know, fearing the next time they may see through it.

Here’s the thing, the facade is for you. To protect you from the fear of being disliked for being yourself.

Not everyone likes pineapple on pizza (and I feel sorry for them 😉). That doesn’t mean pineapple is a worthless fruit that has no place in this world and that everyone would be happier without.

It means pineapple or anything else doesn’t lose its value just because it isn’t right for everyone.

No one should be granted the power to talk you out of believing in your own worth.

If you let them, remember, it isn’t them doing wrong by you, it’s you. You must do the work of connecting with and strengthening the core part of yourself that knows it’s worthy of being loved.

Strengthen it until it’s nonnegotiable. Meaning that even during times of criticism you know you’re still good enough. Know it in your heart as well as your head.

You have it in you, because if you didn’t have the capacity to love yourself you wouldn’t be drawn to the idea of increasing it.

It’s quite possibly the hardest work you’ll ever do. It’s the surest path to being liberated from the past.

I’m here to walk the path with you. As are those in my Inner Circle who will support you every step of the way.

How much do hurt feelings weigh?

You know those moments when someone does or says something you feel hurt by. They apologize and you say, “It’s okay.”

You try to let it go because you’re, “supposed to.” What you end up doing is beating yourself up over being upset instead of dealing with your emotions.

Your life is filled with these moments where a small wound is minimized and compartmentalized but it doesn’t disappear.

It reminds me of a story about a teacher who presented a glass of water to his class and asked them to guess how much it weighed.

He invited a student to pick up the glass and guess its weight. He asked the student to keep holding the glass as he kept speaking to the class. Cautioning the student not to spill a drop.

The student holding the glass began to feel his hand cramp and his arm grow tired and finally said, “This glass is starting to get heavy. Can you just tell us how much it weighs.”

To which the teacher replied, “It depends on how long you hold it.”

These little hurts add up. When you work so hard not to spill even a drop, not shedding a single tear, the weight builds.

Look at the word depressed. It has “press” in the middle. It refers to the pressure, the weight you continue to carry.

Let’s work on helping you put that weight down. You weren’t meant to live in pain, you’re meant to live with purpose.

Shame is an inside job ripe for a do over

No one can shame you but you!

The trend labeling any kind of criticism as shaming is horseshit and the product of a victim mentality.

Of course as children we don’t know this. We take everything personally and often conclude that we’re bad in response to harsh criticism.

The problem lies not in triggering the shame it lies in not healing it.

If someone calls me fat they aren’t fat shaming me. I know I’m fat and I own why.

If I use that criticism to fuel a self loathing inner rant toward myself that’s on me.

Can it be hard work to heal your shame, absolutely. What can make it simpler though is realizing you put it there. You as opposed to the villain you saw (at the time) as more powerful than you in every way.

Doesn’t matter if you were 5 years old when you did it.

Being afraid to face this pain and work through it feeds a host of addictions or other self defeating behaviors that start with a desire to distract yourself from it.

I’m not stupid enough to suggest being the victim of a violent crime doesn’t warrant the intense reaction and subsequent struggle to regain a sense of safety in the world.

Please know that it need not be a life sentence and there are ways to help you heal to whatever degree you’re able.

The process comes down to changing what the shaming event meant to you.

This requires you to revisit, reflect, revise, reconcile and recover.

  1. Revisit your memory of the hurtful event. It may even help to gain the perspective of others who were there to see if they have helpful insight you haven’t considered.
  2. Reflect upon the decisions you made about what this event meant to you.

The meaning you create keeps feelings of hurt in play because believing you’re bad isn’t exactly temporary.

It also isn’t enough to change your thinking, your body is holding onto the pain as well and crying is one way pain exits the body.

  1. Revise the decisions you made then with ones that acknowledge why you decided what you did at the time. Give yourself permission to change your mind about what it all meant.

Choose a new empowered meaning/memory that creates a feeling of the weight of the old meaning being lifted off you.

  1. Reconcile the new memory of the past with where you are now. Has the feeling you have about yourself now improved. Yes, good.
  2. Recovery of lost dignity increases your confidence, perseverance and resilience.

More than worth it if you ask me.

When you join my inner circle I’ll walk you through this step by step until the healing is done.

You can be compassionate and still use swear words

No need to worry about sending people to my profile because I swear in some of my posts. This was a concern shared by a client just now.

What I explained to her was that my use of swearing is to bring more attention to the raw emotion that lies within a particular issue.

For some people it may appear aggressive, they don’t like it and keep scrolling. I’m not interested in chasing people who are turned off and begging them to give me another chance to measure up to their expectations.

My intention is unfiltered and honest sharing. If I need to edit the feedback I give people I’m not serving them fully.

Also know that I’m a big softy and my clients know that my direct feedback is delivered with calm, compassion.

You can be compassionate and still say FUCK!

We need less rugged individualism and more Ubuntu to heal the world’s wounds

Individualism drives much of what’s wrong about Western thinking. I see proponents of this practically salivate over the misfortunes of others who are seen as being to blame for their own misery.

While they make use of publicly funded utilities, roads, schools they perpetuate the myth they did it all by themselves. Independent, without help, self made – such complete, arrogant bullshit.

They treat life like a zero sum game. They see other people as competition in a world of scarcity. They want to collect as much as they can for themselves and see sharing as an insult to their sense of entitlement.

Their needs are met by a complex socio-economic system that made it possible. A system we all must support and cross our fingers will support us when we need it.

Then there’s Ubuntu, an African saying that means, “I am because we are.”

It recognizes that the human experience is intimately shared, but also personal. It understands that we are not separate from each other or our environment.

Rugged individualism is great for the ego and is rooted in pride and selfishness.

It has little or no place in a world more and more connected. We have been leaning on each other’s shared humanity recently like I’ve never experienced before.

This is how it must be for human beings to realize just how much of an impact we have on each other. Yes, there are plenty of individualists out there referring to those who struggle as, “Pussies who just need to toughen up.” If you believe that about people, it doesn’t make you independent or strong, it just makes you an asshole.

You have multiple communities available to you whether you connect with and participate in them is up to you (e.g. friendships, family, neighborhood, town, etc.)

Either way it isn’t about you or me, it’s about we.

It’s about time WE act like it.

The secret to happiness isn’t found on a pedestal of authority

The secret to happiness isn’t found on a pedestal of authority

It’s so important to remind people that the key to happiness isn’t increased wealth or status.

Celebrities like Jim Carrey, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Glennon Doyle, one of my favorites Jamilla Jamil openly discuss their challenges with mental health.

They burst the bubble of celebrity and the pedestal many people put it on.

The idea that the perfect body, the best car, the biggest house, whatever it is for you, will give you permission to feel good enough once you’ve achieved it simply isn’t the case.

It’s all bullshit, you’re good enough right now. Your resistance to that idea is what causes you so much suffering.

When you struggle with ADHD/ASD, chronic pain, etc., too much of your identity can be wrapped up in that struggle. How hard you have it because of your diagnosis.

You get more negative messages hurled your way when you don’t measure up to a make believe ideal some marketer or other self righteous armchair quarterback pulled out of their ass.

I’m here to tell you you’re already good enough regardless of the bombardment of messages you receive daily telling you you’re doing it wrong if you aren’t buying their thing – FUCK EM’!

I hope I’m clear in that I don’t believe everyone needs to do the deep dive inward that I’m doing. I know I’ve found healing in doing so. But this process is the hardest work I’ve ever done. Hard but doable.

I can’t promise anything regarding what lies on the other side of accepting the reality of your hurt, allowing yourself to feel and move beyond it.

I will promise that if you choose this path, I’ll be right there with you.

Healing is the key to reducing future hurt

Holding on to past hurts doesn’t protect you from being hurt again. What it does do is keep the hurt alive. It erodes trust, sabotaging your ability to love and be loved.

You know what protects you from being hurt? Nothing! Hurt happens.

What is available to you is the wisdom that feeling hurt puts you in touch with. A deeper part of yourself is opened up to you.

It connects you with your sense of self worth, your need for love and connection and your need for certainty.

Hurt has a lot to teach you, foremost is that even though you hurt you’re still good enough.

Hurt is an experience of loss but not loss of your value as a human being.

It needs to be felt, grieved and in all other ways worked through to mine it’s riches.

Yes, mining those riches can be a real bitch.

It doesn’t happen in one sitting or with equal intensity. It can require anywhere from an ugly cry to a simple acknowledgement that you’re still experiencing some hurt but it’s less intense than it was.

Bit by bit you do the work of learning to feel safe in your body, mind, relationships and the world.

In so doing you embrace the courage to love again, to live more fully.

You know that hurt happens, you also know how to relate to your hurt as a teacher so you can welcome it instead of being shamed by it.
 

Swearing can be good for you

Why does profanity get such a bad rap?
 
Note: I swore off swearing for a good year with a pretty good average. I rediscovered its usefulness during this plague.
 
A simple online search turned up what I suspected. Profanity are words used to describe honest, raw emotion (e.g. frustration, anger, grief, fear, etc).
 
Profanity is quite vulnerable when you think about it. Feeling threatened in some way tends to trigger it.
 
Why is this kind of language discouraged in general?
 
IMO, because its a threat to the ego. If you direct it at someone they might feel disrespected or even “offended”.
 
Cussing, swearing, whatever the fuck you call it, shows emotion in an intense raw form few people allow themselves to honestly feel, deal and heal.
 
Swearing can be cathartic for releasing emotional energy.
 
I wouldn’t say people who curse a lot are unrefined. What they likely lack is an embrace of the social norm requiring you to spare feelings at the expense of honesty.
 
Reflecting upon what comes up for you when you swear or are sworn at can be a valuable teacher for you.

How to honor who you are while exploring who you can become

How do you simultaneously believe “you’re good enough as you are” and pursue personal improvement goals?

Because you’re curious, that’s how.

As human beings we want to know, to play and explore. The flavor of curiosity a person has may lead them to climb the next mountain or try a new crochet pattern.

Everyone along the continuum of curiosity is growing because they’re doing something new. New brings further confirmation of your existing paradigm, tweaks it to allow for expansion and sometimes tears it down.

You aren’t a coward if you don’t take the bigger risks.

You may find the secrets to your happiness in planting a garden. You may find it in hiking a new trail.

Journaling your thoughts may give you powerful insight into the human condition (e.g. Anne Frank), whether you share those thoughts openly is up to you.

When you follow your natural curiosity in pursuit of answers to the questions that excite you, it gives you the opportunity to show up differently. Not better necessarily, just different.

Interesting things may come about from your experiments. Things you’d like to keep doing. These little things can signal to others its okay to take risks, try new things and embrace the process (the good, the bad and the ugly).

Sharing your experiments and the lessons they’ve revealed can change lives.

So can enjoying working in your garden and showing up with that joy when you encounter another human being.

Are you ready to step into your fear and do the work you’re meant to do?

If you could predict the consequences of your actions, how many of those actions would you choose to take?

If your response is, “I wouldn’t change anything, I have no regrets” I’d say you’re full of shit. Why? Because too many people proclaim this as a dodge.

A dodge from discussing how they truly feel (e.g. guilt, sadness, grief, anger) and try to convince themselves they’re above having any kind of baggage.

Another reason they claim this is because they like to think they have they’re shit together and enjoy reminding people how they have no regrets, blah, blah, blah as though that’s how they’ve always handled things.

If there was no process you went through from decision, to consequence, to learning and growing then you didn’t learn shit!

I’m not saying every consequence requires painful introspection with gallons of tears. Some consequences may be, “Yikes, I’m never doing that again” and that’s enough to remind you to avoid it in the future.

I’m also mindful that each person has a different set of internal and external resources for managing stress. Where one person’s mountain is another’s molehill.

Now consider how often we scold our children for not thinking or speaking before they act. What the hell do you expect, they’re kids not clairvoyant.

Making mistakes is how they learn, it’s how everyone learns. Somewhere we decided that wasn’t acceptable so we beat them and ourselves up for it. Pretty messed up isn’t it.

I honestly would have said, “PASS” to many relationships and opportunities if I would’ve known how they’d turn out.

Some took me years to begin seeing the value of those experiences. Hear that insurance companies, not every problem can be solved in 10 sessions – fuck you!

I’m 50 years old and feel like I’ve grown more in the past 10 years than the previous 40. Of course, I’ve had the benefit of the lessons and tools acquired during the previous 40 years which makes certain kinds of risks feel safer to take because they’re familiar.

But unless you’re living in a militantly maintained comfort zone (which most of you are), then you’re still taking risks and discovering that what you don’t know far exceeds what you do. And it’s okay to not know. It keeps life from becoming boring.

I have many reasons I share so openly and the big one is FEAR! I’m so exhausted from a lifetime spent in fear of someone finding out I don’t have my shit together. You know what I’ve learned. not just as an idea, but finally as a truth in my heart.

Anyone who pretends they have their shit together, has always lived without regrets is living in fear of criticism, disappointment, rejection, you name it.

Do you have this fear? Sucks huh! But it isn’t your destiny to stay that way.

I’m sick and tired of being afraid. But no one gave me permission to be fearless. They told me to do it, threw a few clever quotes my way but none of them modeled it.

I got sick of waiting around for others to step up so I said, “Fuck it, I guess this will be my next adventure.”

It’s been more Mad Max than Indiana Jones and no Light sabers 

I remind the folks in my membership group and myself that risks are necessary to challenge and disprove your fears. Fears often acquired as a child you forgot to go back and question. Instead you remained afraid.

You need a safe place to do that kind of work to finally be free of that crap. I provide that space for those up to the challenge.

The pay off is increased happiness when you realize how to be more compassionate to yourself and others who are doing their best. It is so worth it. Hard work, and worth it.