I’m experiencing a combination of anger and sadness as I write this and am working very hard to keep a level head. The fallout from the shooting in Newtown, CT just keeps coming.
In the past week I’ve seen a greater mobilization of the autism community than ever before. A community coming together with one voice to declare that their child on the spectrum is no killer. That their child is safe to play with and have in the classroom.
It is despicable that we as a community are having to have this conversation.
It is disgraceful that children who are shy, withdrawn and doing their best to be a part of their neighborhoods and learning communities are now on threat watch.
The reaction
The day after the shooting I began receiving emails from mothers asking whether I thought their child might grow up to commit acts of violence.
The next day I received emails from parents whose children became aware of the shooting and asked whether they’d grow up to become violent. “You know I’d never hurt you, right Mom.”
The worst emails I received came yesterday. One was a report that fellow students were asking their peers with Asperger’s when they planned on bringing guns to school.
The one that made my jaw drop was the report that two teachers were overheard saying that the shooter did what he did because he had Asperger’s.
If this is true, and this is what these teachers and others believe then we have a bigger problem than the media’s recent portrayal of Asperger’s.
We have a systemic ignorance of what it means to be on the Autism Spectrum that is so profound, that parents and educators who have known their children for years would suddenly begin to question the destiny of their own children because of the act of one individual who isn’t their child.
If an adult male robs a bank would you look to your buddy and say, “Your turn.”
No, you wouldn’t, why, because you’d have to be an idiot to draw that conclusion.
I understand that fear is at play in a lot of these situations but I can’t believe that reason has been placed into an indefinite coma.
I hope we aren’t on the verge of a witch hunt in which any person with a spectrum label is now on threat watch.
As schools prepare their response to this tragedy in terms of how to support the larger student body, it is imperative that they also gauge the reactions of their own staff.
I’ve received email from teachers and school workers who conveyed their understanding that autism had NOTHING to do with the shooting in Newtown, CT. They now have the double duty of not only supporting their students but policing their colleagues as well.
It is critical to flush out such knee jerk reactions as the ones cited above. An educator who is drinking the media kool-aid and regurgitating that network propaganda on school grounds is a toxic hindrance to healing the wound this situation has created.
I love the educators of this country and the ones working with my own children over the years have been a godsend.
But as you know, it takes one, only one ignorant person who has credibility with their students to undo years of hard work and the social gains made by a student.
The lesson
What are the lessons of the shooting in CT? Is it the need for better gun control, or mental health services? Is it an indictment of our public school system? Who knows.
As someone who lives with severe learning disabilities, is raising children with special needs and works with the special needs population, this is what I see.
One of the greatest catastrophes of modern society is how we have moved from being a tribe of loyal members to a disconnected collection of human doings who live according to the doctrine of us verses them.
There are the normal students then there are the special needs students.
The Democrats versus the Republicans and so on.
There are some that will say this isn’t so, that they treat everyone the same. Guess what, it isn’t trickling down. Our playgrounds tell a different story. They tell a story of bullying, segregation, and humiliation.
What’s the solution? I don’t know that I have any answers but I do have a suggestion. We as individuals need to look at our lives, at the interests we have and the organizations we belong to. If any of those affiliations lead us to conclude that others who don’t believe what we believe, who don’t live as we live are somehow a threat to us and need to be feared or hated – then THAT is the problem.
One of the greatest lessons of modern times is that there is more than one way to be human. The ever increasing pathologizing and stigmatizing of difference has made that hard to see.
But I want you to know that I see you. I don’t see a label, I see you, the human being. I don’t care about your sexuality, your religion or what sports team you root for, I care about you.
There isn’t one damn thing about me that is better than you because I can’t do this life without you. We are a community, we need one another, we depend on one another and NONE OF US can do this alone.
I don’t fear you because I have more important things to do, like care for you, support you and believe in you.
I am grateful for the unique contribution you bring to this world that does and will make the world a better place because of you.
We’ll get through this together, because frankly, there’s no other way.
Thanks for being you.
Photo Credit Rétrofuturs (Hulk4598) / Stéphane Massa-Bidal via Flickr
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Brian R. King LCSW is a Relationship Breakthrough Specialist. His breakthrough strategies draw on his experience as a 24 year cancer survivor, adult with Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, A.D.D., the father of three sons on the autism spectrum as well as someone who lives on the autism spectrum himself. His books and seminars have garnered him worldwide attention for his innovative communication and relationship strategies.
Brian
This is by far and away thee best article you have ever written. My heart aches when I read this and know the truth of it. I appreciate you giving words to all the feelings that are inside me and many more I am sure.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Just keep on keeping on for all of us
Brain – what a great commentary on human nature and the pack mentality. You make great cases on the type of thinking that pervades this country. We need to educate – educate – educate!
I’d like to suggest you get this into the hands of many news stations – MSNBC and CNN to start – Joe Scarborough (MSNBC – Morning Joe) has plenty of clout and his second son has a dx of Asperger’s. Soledad O’Brien (CNN – Starting Point) has a nephew with a dx of Asperger’s.
Thank you both so much for such wonderful words. I’m grateful to be able to support our community in this way.
Great ideas Nancy, here’s a thought. I have found that self promotion gets you nowhere in these matters so if I shared my articles with the networks they’d be ignored. However, if others encouraged them to look to me as a resource that would give what I have to say greater credibility. Make sense?
Hi Brian,
Yes we do have a ways to go, but look how far we have come in just a few years. Its also a time to become an advocate and help to clairify the inacuratcies that sometimes surface.I thank you for this letter that you wrote. Dont dispare, the actions of few can efect many. I love the story of the starfish…….. many star fish had washed up on the beach and a young man was throwing them back into the ocean. There seemed like there were hundreds of them. Another person came up and asked the man throwing the star fish back in if he really thought he could make that big of a differance. He picked up another one and tosted it into the ocean and replyed…”made a differance to that one didnt it.”
Thanks for all your love and efforts,
Ken in Colorado
Great article…and I fear the classifying of our children and the label that is ready and waiting to slap on them. There seems to be a need rationalize the irrational but in reading a little bit more into some of the facts and living through a similar situation my belief into what happened is NOT a Aspie problem, Not a Gun, but perhaps and SSSI inhibitor problem.
I have lived through and can attest to what the wrong medication does. We as parents must be aware and our children’s loudest advocate. When incorrectly medicated, SSSI’s cause a rage that is outside who are children are. I was scared, my son wasnt my son. Doctors telling me to use more medication when it was when the medication was introduced, my child freaked out. As a young adult, he tells me after taking the medication it was like it put rage into his mind. Anger that he could not get rid off. In panic, I pulled away and searched for a better Doctor and in eventually to Brian. Correcting his meds at the time, and learning to understand my son and bridging our communication, he is now completing off medication and moving onto college. His way. A happy and confident child.
I can not help but think back to a terriable month in my life and know that this poor child may have just had good intentions around him, but wrong medication. It doesnt take being Aspie to be mis medicated. Be aware and advocate. In prayer…Jackie
I am now more than ever flip-in anger at the schools. BIG “S” for “STUPID” on their foreheads. When are going to start educating teacher and staff about this wonderful gifted children and learn about Autisum/Asperger’s? My daughter has now another friend that can not return to school because bulling, just because she has special needs, 2 months ago a young man took his life because of bulling, when it going to stop! By the way, this is all happening at St. Charles East . way to upset to say anymore
Janice…I feel your pain and offer my assistance I filing a complaint with your school and the State board. I give permission for Brian to share my email privately with you should you request it. I continue my advocacy with bullying in schools and rep PBIS at the State.
I was shocked when I heard on a news program a Doctor of Psychology tell the reporter this young man committed that horrible crime because he was considered Autistic. That he was diagnosed with Aspergers. I was very relieved hearing the news reporter argue that just because he had Aspergers does not mean all children with Aspergers are violent.
Not making excuses for some of the people jumping on the band wagon, but in the absence of knowledge lies ignorance. And where there is ignorance, there is going to be action dictated by fear. You studied human psychology, Brian. People are reacting with fear because what happened in Sandy Hook is beyond their control and they are trying to put it in a neat little box so that it can’t happen again. I honestly don’t think people truly understand autism until they experience it for themselves first hand (i.e. having a son or daughter, or student with autism). The world needs to be educated as to what it is, what it means to the individual, and what can be done to support that individual and those around him/her. You are a wonderful spokesperson for autism. Yes, it is a shame you weren’t on the Nancy Grace Show, because people need to know what autism truly is, but it was actually a blessing. The Nancy Grace Show is not the forum for the truth. All they are concerned with are the ratings. You need to be on a show that will be willing to show the truth, regardless of ratings! Maybe Dr. Oz or Anderson Cooper? Whatever the forum, you need to be heard. Who else better to tell the truth than you? I hope you can find the right forum.
Hello Brian,
A brilliant article, as ever.
Unfortunately, there are many teachers and other adults, who put 2+2 together and make 22.
They see a child with Autism having a violent meltdown and jump to the conclusion that
that they must be mentally unstable. It is not hard to see how this misconception is easily transferable during
a crisis and it is always comforting to have a label on which to hang your fears. It is only through the power of
education, reasoning and common sense that we can turn this regrettable situation around.
Keep fighting the good fight and we will be right behind you.
All the best,
Kay